Was it T-Pain who fucked up the music industry by making obviously vocoded vocals an all right thing? Poor Milli Vanilli, they wouldn’t have had to endure any sort of shame if they’d just turned up a couple of decades later when standards had plummeted so far that no one need have any talent to get anywhere. We can still appreciate them as visionaries with the benefit of hindsight. Oh hindsight…
This black hole of talent in the entertainment industry reached its logical conclusion this morning when I opened an email titled, “OzzyBosCo Superstar ft. Lamboginny + Superstar Sax Remix ft. Yemi Sax.” None of this registered anything with me but the dubstep alarm was (wrongly) set off by the ridiculous names of all involved parties (dubstep people always have silly names). Then something caught my attention, “he bagged the school’s Merit Award certificate for “Most Creative Pupil” in his class.” Hang the fuck on, what is this a press release for? It’s out of control when bands bullshit away about how they made it onto Topshop’s playlist as if that’s some measure of anyone giving an actual fuck, but this just blew everything I thought possible out of the water. All the rules had suddenly changed and the soundtrack to spicy silk menswear didn’t sound so bad.
Then it all fell into place, I had unwittingly been drawn into a world of [T-]pain. Master Oziomachukwu Favour Mojekwu aka OzzyBosCo aka the “multi-talented” artist, whose natural abilities in “singing, Dancing, Comedy, Fine Arts etc” had previously earned him the coveted “Best Entertainer Trophy” was no less than a child, so young that one could only imagine that he had not long stopped shitting himself and smearing it about his person.
As you might expect from the early output of a five year old rapper, it’s not very good. The whole press release was like receiving one of those smug letters that start, “2012 has been absolutely terrific for the Mojekwu family, little Master Oziomachukwu is basically better than all of your children put together and the whole lot of you can go fuck yourselves, you average inbred tossers. Please find Ozzy’s report card and a photo of the family attached for your records.” It was unnecessary and annoying; he obviously can’t sing (because he’s only five), he can barely even string a sentence together (again, because he’s five) so all this really comes down to is a child being left to entertain himself with a vocoder by a crap producer. You can haz superstar little child, because “God Almighty [is] heading [your] careers.”
I think this guy shouldn’t send me any more emails…
Download OzzyBosCo – Superstar