Work ain’t shit but hoes & dicks.

Categorised as GENERAL.

Working is shit, unless you’re really high up and have one of those jobs where you can basically sit at a table watching the money roll in to your bank account. Sometimes shit jobs are made bearable by the people you work with though, and work can actually be kind of fun – especially if you have a crush on someone and you spend all your clocked in hours flirting. Most of the time, in my experience anyway, the dicks outweigh the people that make a job fun. Here’s a list of massive generalisations that sum up the sort of people who make working hell.

The Creepy One

There’s always one dude, and they normally are dudes – women can’t really pull off creepy as well as guys do (unless they’re a serial killer) – who looks all strange and makes weird perverse comments that make you feel hella uncomfortable. When I worked as a pizza delivery driver there was a guy who worked in store, who was on the sex offenders list for flashing outside a school, who had all the usual physical characteristics of a creep; ratty little goatee, lazy wandering eye and skin that looked like the perfect balance between greasy, clammy and slimy. Unlike ‘The Loud One,’ the creep will merely make suggestive comments, like ‘heeey…rosie…could you give me a hand with my salami,’ but no-one will ever rat him out because they’re scared that if they did he would turn up at their house with a bottle of Pernod and a painting of their vagina.

The Dwight/Gareth


It’s kind of hard not to consider The Office/American Office while writing this list – especially for this one, because both shows nailed ‘that guy/girl who’s always sucking up to the boss, with the bizarre sense that they are superior to everyone else.’ This type of person is the herpes to our society’s genitals; they pop up at the worst times and although they lay dormant for a little while, they’re always going to be there to fuck you off again eventually. Another problem with them is that they’re so ingrained in to our national infrastructure; you get it in schools (the teachers who occasionally go for a pint with the head-teacher so feel like they can be absolute pricks to their pupils) university (the people who join stuff like the student union and say stuff like ‘yeah the summer ball’s gonna be ace – powers that be say we can’t give away too much info, but trust bro, seriously gonna be a big one) & the police-force (the guy who got bullied at school and goes on a mad power trip as soon as he’s given a badge and walks round busting people for walking on the grass).

The Loud One


The loud one is normally the remnants of what was once the class clown, only it’s not at all funny anymore. It’s pathetic and depressing. One of my other jobs was temping for a catering agency – the manager of the place that hired us was/is a Geordie with gleaming white teeth, the most punch-able face you have ever seen and that fucking accent that he wouldn’t let us hear the end of. The loud one is normally the one who makes, and acts on suggestive sexual comments – slapping girls on the arse, shit like that. They are perhaps THE worst people to work with because they think that everyone else is A: Coming in to work to earn money, and B: Coming in to listen to them and their awesome jokes.

The Pissed off One


The pissed off one is that one who’s always pissed off. Obviously. They are a nightmare to work with – because they’re pissed off that they have to work and then they’re pissed off when they can’t work – always spouting bad vibes. I’m not sure whether it’s a persona thing with some people – you know, like they want everyone to think they hate the world because they think it makes them seem more world-weary and experienced – like Will Self on ‘Grumpy Old Men.’ It doesn’t. It just makes them seem like emos without the hair and piercings.



The ‘cool’ one


‘Hah, oh yeah – Jerry’s always doing crazy stuff like coming in to work after a two day bender with no sleep, he just doesn’t give a shit. Oh, and he plays guitar in an awesome band as well.’ Jerry actually hasn’t slept for two days because he’s got insomnia brought on by the fear that if he doesn’t appear cool then he’ll lose all his cred at the office. And his band plays disco hits from the 70s at weddings. There’s always that one person who acts like, ‘outside of work I’m a superstar,’ who drops little hints about their decadent (made-up) lives outside the office. I imagine their home life to be a sofa, a gamer’s chair linked up to an Xbox 360 (with online chat) and a series of WoW quests, while trying to pursue a crush they have on the sexy sounding one in their guild.

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