Whaaa th’ fuck.

Categorised as GENERAL.

EVA MENDES HAS MADE A SEX TAPE! Before you go and blow your load all over the prospect of the latino lady taking it from behind while pouting those luscious lips at the camera, let me let you down gently: it’s not real (lame). The tape’s actually a viral promotion for the website funny or die/ I’m pretty sure her new film, which also stars Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell, so you can see why they got Eva to be the night vision star.

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Tapping in to that market, although massively unfair on the general male population, is pretty clever – the internet has become synonymous with celebrity sex-tapes, I mean where else are you supposed to go to find a video of Chyna from the WWE getting nailed by a steroid pumped ex-wrestler? I suppose you could go to a sex-shop, but you’d have to pay in there and that kind of defeats the object of porn, stealing a basic human right and packaging it up to make a buck – much like those toilets in train stations where you have to pay 20p to take a piss.  The psychology behind why celebrity sex tapes are so popular is pretty obvious; it’s an uncensored extension of gossip magazines like Heat and Closer, only with the tapes you actually get to see the mole on Kim Kardashian’s ass rather than just read about it. Mind you that I can understand, Kim Kardashian has a really nice ass – why anyone would want to watch Fred Durst getting his little chode wet however is beyond me.

Of course it’s not only videos that give us unprecedented access to the inner workings of celebrity bodies nowadays – we also have papped nip-slips, hacked blackberries, and even staged topless beach shots that are supposed to look candid but totes aren’t. I mean, when you first rocked out to Paramore (lulz) did you ever expect to see stolen photos of Hayley Williams’ bee stings plastered all over blogs? I didn’t. Well actually, I guess I kind of did come to think of it. Remember when the only glimpse at naked celebrities that you could get were in movies that they showed late at night on channel 4? That was so much more scandalous because it wasn’t easily accessible and the celeb porn market wasn’t over-saturated with nobodies trying to make it big by ‘discreetly’ releasing a grainy home video of them getting banged.

Back then actors and musicians had to get their start the usual way, by making appearances in low budget horror films and doing cameos in hip hop videos that only got shown post water-shed on cable TV music channels. Here are a couple of famous people who kick-started their career in a more dignified way than releasing a sex tape or naked photos of themselves.

Johnny Depp in Nightmare on Elm Street.

I re-watched this last night and I had no idea that old mr lover-man was in it until…last night. Fair enough this wasn’t exactly low budget (even though it looks and sounds it when you watch it again) but the acting is terrible and the script is worse, which I’m sure Johnny ‘I only do cool indie films even though I played a pirate in one of the highest grossing films’ Depp is pretty pissed off about now.

Mischa Barton in The Sixth Sense.

I suppose it was kind of a premonition of things to come; Mischa Barton pale faced, greasy haired, sunken eyes staring at you from under a bed is a sight I’m sure is pretty common at over-trendy LA house parties. What is it about child stars and ther constant willingness to give themselves to the stereotype of being a child star? Fair enough, I’m sure they get offered way more drugs for free than the average teenager, but that doesn’t mean they need to get fucked out of their mind on cheap coke and drive their car the wrong way down the highway, or whatever else they feel like doing when they’re wasted.

Joaquin Phoenix in Space Camp.

Back when Joaquin was still calling himself Leaf (hippy) he starred as the cute one in a drama about a bunch of teenagers at space camp who accidentally get launched in to orbit. How that could happen I have no idea. Fifteen years later he did Gladiator and the rest is tramp beard, faux hip-hop, mockumentary history.

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  • Leaf Phoenix is Joaquin Phoenix, not River.

  • oops, don’t write articles high.


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