TV – IT’S RUDDY INTERESTING.

Categorised as GENERAL.

I’m doing a Mickey Mouse degree at university, and long story short, I got timmme on it. So when I’m not finding out rappers real names on Wikipedia (always, always a good conversation starter) I watch a lot of TV. I actually use that favourite function on Sky, where you can just surf the channels you like – I don’t know anyone else who uses that. Anyway the point is, I know my stuff when it comes to the high grade; none of that skanky TV Guide shit, I’m talking real people with real budgets, and no production values.

CONTROVERSIAL TV 300 – THE RICHPLANET STARSHIP

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This comes on Controversial TV (200) on Thursdays at 18:00  and it’s a pretty tepid watch to be honest with you. Mostly consisting of the channel’s ‘Terry Wogan’ – Richard Hall interviewing various dangerously subversive/largely ignored guests, for a slow hour. The point of interest being  this needless façade they propagate only at the beginning, that they are in fact on a spaceship. For instance, the guests make whimsical comments about the journey up while Richard Hall stares out ominously in anticipation from this giant  disc in space. They don’t even make reference to it later in the show, it’s just briefly touched on at the start. I thought they would make space based puns and use lazers or some shit, but it’s only at the start. If anything, it undermines the guests; the fact that Richard Hall has a big fuck off working replica of the Millennium Falcon and they’re still using google maps to find secret MI6 bases.

DAY TIME BABESTATION – 900+

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As it’s daytime they have to abide to OFCOM regulations, which basically means they are limited to sporadically bending over  and dry humping  pillows. The best bit, however, is the blatant crazies they get calling in, who obviously just live in this endless pornography catharsis, in which they always have to have it. Barely being able to talk on the phone, crippled by a rager; begging them to get naked or “air-wank” them off . You can tell which calls they are, because the ‘babes’ give it the screwface then put the phone down  as if they just had a conversation without even saying a word.  Also, whoever’s judging me right now can, like, stop right now and stuff, because I slipped and landed on  the remote. THEN ended up trousers down, cock in hand…it wasn’t pre-meditated.

Kidding, this is shit wank fodder.

NOLLYWOOD MOVIES – 329

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I can’t actually pick a favourite from this channel as I can’t remember any of their titles. I haven’t actually watched the one above either (it looks ruddy interesting though) but I think it’s safe for me to presume there’s a bit of something for everyone in this. They’re like terrible Bollywood movies – in terms of plot, plagiarism, and being able to call the bad guy in your movie Hitler. Be warned though, I think this channel has become subscription based – probably so they can buy a boom mic.

TINY POP – 617

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Tiny Pop is the arse-end of Children’s programming; continuously amazing me by resurrecting  the most mind-numbingly out-of-touch nineties cartoons. It’s like it’s run by autistic paedophiles trying to bait children, but not having the funds to schedule anything contemporary, so they get Berenstien Bears instead. What kind of fucked up Manson child would choose to watch Corduroy and old Super Mario episodes anyway. Sort it out, I don’t want to stumble across this again.

GOD CHANNEL

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Phone-in shows of any variety are always prone to a cheeky shit and giggle, simply because of that live element, but also for the people that call in. They always have the most asinine questions that are clumsily answered with vague answers about the scripture. However God Channel, and alternatively Revelation, are usually the most targeted by pranks – simply because stoners hate Jesus. The best bit though is the post-prank passive-aggressive babble they come out with after, like ‘I’M GONNA PRAY THE SHIT OUT YOU MATE, JUST YOU WAIT’.

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