Things you are probably going to do on your gap year.
This is the big one, the one you’ve all been waiting for. This is why you spent 14 or so years in education, followed by 6 months cleaning some rich old man’s house and occasionally letting him pinch your bum or fondle a breast for extra tips. If you’re lucky you will have your epiphany gazing out to sea at sunset with your holiday romance on a beach in Goa (or somewhere equally pretentious). However, it is far more likely you will achieve it squatting over a hole in the ground on a moving train because your useless son-of-a bitch western stomach can’t even handle a mild vegetarian Pasanda.
Fuck a ladyboy
In Patong every other lady is a ladyboy, some of them are so realistic you can’t even tell they’re ladyboys (until they speak). We spoke to one 15 year old boy named Dok, who told us he was already taking hormones to become a ladyboy, its a sad sad situation. Apparently loads of supposedly straight guys go to Thailand just to experience the lady boy phenomena – I guess if your girlfriend at home won’t let you do her in the bum, this is the next best thing right? I reckon you’d be better off steering clear of the whole thing. Before you go make sure you don’t make a fatal mistake here.
Get an STI
Follow the step above and you can be pretty sure you’ll achieve this goal. I think blowing your load in the tight, yet diseased riddled anus of shemale pretty much comes with an STI guarantee. If you’re really unlucky you’ll get aids, but at least you can boast to your friends back home about the novel way you caught it right?
If the lady boys don’t quench your thirst, you could try and find a nice English girl who you wouldn’t mine bringing home and showing your mother. She’s probably less likely to give you aids, but might want to meet up when you’re home and stuff, which could be awkward especially if you have been accumulating one romance in every country. Whatever you do, don’t do what my friend Fin did and get married, a messy divorce ensued.
Chunder everywhere “just like Fulham”.
This is an obvious one because all that cultural shit can get a bit tiresome after a while. You can’t go on a gap year without getting completely off your face at least once. Even the Hare Krishna man who runs the newsagent at the end of my road told me that he likes to get drunk sometimes, so don’t feel like it is a major compromise of your new lifestyle and that Vishnu will condemn you to reincarnation as a shit eating dung-beetle.
Cry for your mother
There may be times on your gap year (probably when squatting over that hole in the ground) that you wish you could get back to the comfort of your four poster bed in your country estate in Surrey. At times like these just remember how many life skills points you will gain and how cool everyone will think you are when you get home.
Run out of money
And revert to the old fail safe or working in some rich old man’s house and letting him pinch your bum for tips or if you are really gap yah, ring mummy and daddy and beg for a transfer.
Buy some of those harem pants and wear them when you return so nobody is in any doubt that you are a spiritually aware individual, who has travelled the world and yes, yes you did go on a gap year.
Good luck. Hope you don’t get dysentery.
words Daisy Devine