I don’t know about you, but I paid way more attention to kids TV than I did to school when I was a young un. TV executives should really be holding the lesson plan seminars instead of washed up ex teachers on a power trip, warping young impressionable teachers’ minds in to thinking that lessons should revolve around copying writing off a white-board for an hour. Admittedly I am a bit over-bitter considering I’ve never been to a lesson plan seminar (if they even exist) but that’s what I imagine them to be like if they do.

I swear TV aimed at children was more informing to young minds back then as well; they had shows about art (attack) wildlife (pingu) history (that show) and culture (Blue Peter – I’m grasping now). Anyway, CBBC was basically a junior ‘One Show’ but with over eager closet coke-heads presenting rather than Adrian Chiles. Also, everything was hand drawn and animated, which is totes cooler than the hordes of vacuous CGI shit they roll out nowadays. Here are some things that I learnt from kids TV that made me realise I should call bullshit on the entire education system, because once you know this stuff there’s really very little left to be taught at school.

Biker-mice from Mars.

1. That mice aren’t always irritating vermin who shit up your whole wardrobe by making gross nests out of toilet paper and bread while you’re on holiday – no, they can sometimes be bad-ass, ripped harley raggers from outer space. Also, did anyone notice that the kid they were friends with in Chicago was called Charley Davidson? I didn’t until I just looked at the wikipedia page, maybe I just didn’t get puns when I was 8.

2. That motorbikes can be cool. That ‘fags’ episode of South Park affirmed the suspicion that I’d had of bikers for the last five years (mummy’s boys seeking attention through making loads of noise), but when I think back ten years to these guys being all, ‘we don’t give a fuck’ it makes choppers seem cool again.

Kenan & Kel.

1. That Kel never knew what the episode was going to be about, ah Kel, you lovable tyke. Also I learnt that when TV actors do movies (Goodburger) they’re highly under-appreciated.

2. That Kel loooooves orange soda. He does, he does, he does.

Teletubbies.

Not that I actually watched this or whatever, I was like 12 when it came out so shut up.

1. That purple is the international colour of the gays and that they like to wear handbags every now and then just to let people know they’re loud and proud.

2. That god trapped a baby in the sun to live for eternity being scalded by eruptions larger than Hiroshima every single minute.Which proves my point; what’s the point in R.E when you have this?

The Queen’s Nose

1. That I could get spun out over media years before Synecdoche New York was ever a twinkle in Charlie Kaufman’s eye. In retrospect it probably wasn’t even that weird

2. That the BBC are dumb when they cast a girl who looks about 18 to play a ten year old.

S Club 7

1. That it doesn’t work when people from pop-bands put together for TV shows try and make a legitimate stab at music in a punk band (Paul. Also Charlie from Busted). Or try and repair their career by being racist on Big Brother (Jo).

2. That it does work when people from pop-bands put together for TV shows try and make a legitimate stab at music in a solo career if they’re really hot (Rachel).

See what I mean, even in this small post you’ve already learnt about the inner workings of the entertainment industry, that the BBC aren’t always right, that the sun is shit hot, that orange soda is great and that mice sometimes ride motorbikes.

This entry was tagged as biker mice from mars, kenan and kel, kids tv, s club 7, south park, teletubbies, the queens nose, tv shows.