The kids came to me…I’m not a paedo.

Categorised as GENERAL.

It’s got to the real life Brass Eye point nowadays of adults not being able to talk to little kids for fear of Dr. Fox coming down on them HARD. So imagine Steven’s fear when he pinned up a note to his neighbour’s children asking them to hang out and keep secrets in their shed.

A couple of weeks ago the bird hands me a dodgy looking envelope that had been left outside our kitchen door.  ”What’s in it?” she asked me…..I don’t fucking know, you just this second handed it to me un-opened….is what I thought.  ”I’m not sure babe, let’s have a look shall we?”……is what I said.

I didn’t really call her “babe”. I’m not a complete cunt. She’s my Pwincess.

Anyway. It wasn’t anthrax. It was a pretty illegible note from a child.  It took me a couple of reads to understand what it was all about. I’ll translate in-case you’re having trouble:

Dear Neighbour,

Me and my friend were wondering if you could open the shed because he pointed out it would make a perfect den, if you’re not using it.

From Fred.

P.S. My name is Laouerna (pronounced Lawana) and I have written this note on behalf of Fred.

So I guess I should point out that we have a nice little garden in the new gaff. At the end of which we have a lovely shed. I say shed. As you can see from the picture, I think you’ll agree it’s more of a summer house. I know what you’re all thinking. A flat in Dalston and a summer house!? We’ve worked hard, what can I say.

I remember what it was like to be a young lad, and Fred’s mate is right, it would make a bloody brilliant den. So, being the nice bloke that I am (and to butter the neighbours up for when the house warming happens…..I’m always thinking me). I sent them this note to give them the green light:

I pinned it to the shed summer house door. After about half an hour of it being there I realised that Fred’s mate probably hadn’t spoken to his parents about their plan.

A note from a 26 year old bloke with a beard to a couple of young lads about hanging out with them in a shed and keeping secrets wouldn’t look too good…..the sinister cartoon with paedo eyebrows would probably just add fuel to the fire as well.

So before anyone could petrol bomb the flat I nipped down and added the “PLEASE CHECK THAT THIS IS OK WITH YOUR PARENTS!!”*.  A smart move.

I checked back a couple of days later and this had been pinned up. It’s amazing. I like that his Mum has been through and made corrections and they’ve had a bit of Mum/Son banter.

On the back of the note there were some more grammar exercises. I remember my Mum doing a similar thing with me when I was a boy. Their was a good reason, as I’ve never had problems with the correct usage of they’re/there/their, not like my brother & sister, there always getting it wrong.

So we’ve made some friends. Been neighbourly and got some beers. Granted they were Buds which doesn’t really count, but they’re alright to palm off to visitors innit.

They were playing out there last weekend with their diggers and stuff. I was pretty jealous.

It made me realise that I’ve grown up too quickly. I now live with a girl who will never want to play diggers. Where did it all go wrong?

I was going to take some pics but I think I’m running pretty close to the paedo line as it is.

words Steven Hamilton

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  • marcus harris

    girls never wanna play diggers.
    gurls suck…


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