The Girl Does: YOLOlympics 40 McChicken Nuggets Challenge
Hiya! So another week, another internet inspired ‘Girl Does’. I’m just going to throw this out there: The man I will marry is the man that has no shame in taking me for a fine dining cuisine experience to the red and yellow land and treats me to my usual large McChicken Legend meal, full fat coke and complimentary student hamburger. I know it’s (kinda) bad for me and disgusting and probably shouldn’t be eaten every other day blah-de-blah but these three Adonises are my sort of guys.
Adonis #1: That crazy yank Adam Richman.
Who is, according to my good friend Wikipedia, a ‘self-educated food “fanatic” since 1995 and has kept a travel journal including each of the restaurants he visited and what he learned from the trip’. After watching Man vs Food I came to the conclusion that this dude needs to come out for a dinner challenge with me because he’s sweating and swearing and just not rocking the black leather, I could totally style out eating the world’s biggest burger in Detroit that looks like a farm caged between two slabs of bread.
Adonis #2: Mr Supersize Me AKA Morgan Spurlock
Morgan Spurlock ate himself grey and into a bit of McComa, not to mention extreme liver damage in, ‘a film of epic portions’, Super Size Me. He ate McDonald’s 3 times a day (so jealous) for 30 days and yeah, he got really ill, which is surprising because it’s the food of the Olympics. I bet he would happily take me out for a dinner date to Stratford’s ‘biggest McDonald’s in the world’, well before he married the dietician that got him all healthy after he doubled his weight with McCarbs.
Adonis #3 (Quite literally the God of Gods): Bollywood’s international star of the year 2005 AKA the would-be Indianna Jones AKA the man not named People Magazine’s sexiest man alive for 27 consecutive years AKA The Hoff
If you haven’t seen this film his daughter made to try and get him off the bottle, urm where have you been? ‘This is a mess’, he slurs as he slops over some dismantled burger on the floor breaking all the rules of fine dining etiquette. ‘I’m bullshit’, he grunts whilst sat growling like a topless boss doing a good imitation of a silverback gorilla.
Now let me introduce to you the people of YouTube who have combined all three of these God-like men into some hybrid sub-human.
120 nuggets in 20 minutes (bunch of pussies)
‘The Mc Nugget off’
These guys mean BUSINESS. One is wearing ‘gym apparel’ to avoid the chicken sweats. They pace themselves instead of going for the attack but they have a water boy and inspirational music.
40 McChicken Nuggets in 4 MinuteS Challenge
‘Blue Stig’ who wears one of those outfits you can guarantee will be worn by a bunch of lads all in different shades of the rainbow as they run around handing out high fives (urgh) at something like V Festival. Blue Stig managed to do 40 nuggets in 4.14 minutes, I am however sceptical as to what was in the bottle marked ‘G’, as the use of drugs to enhance performance is considered unethical by most international sports organisations, especially the International YOLOlympic Committee. ‘Sporting Wars’ are the people behind Blue Stig and if you manage to beat the Blue Stig they send you a t-shirt and mug. OHHH, I smell a challenge.
So that’s what I went and did. I went to the home of the Olympics and biggest McDonald’s in the world, Stratford, otherwise known two months ago as a shit hole. My editor slash proud sponsor slash coach went and ordered the 40 nuggets to be served in a happy meal box confusing the woman at the counter and also draining their supply of ketchup. I was feeling pretty pumped by this point, I hadn’t eaten all day and had a Paula Radcliffe ice bath in the morning to prepare for the event.
So the stopwatch started and 1st nugget in I realised I had met my match. They were SO hot, Alan Partridge apple pie heat. Jesus Christ I still can’t believe that something so small can contain so much heat. That was my first hurdle and I think I was doing pretty well combining a few techniques that I had created, such as the double hit which involved making the nuggets into a burger. I also did the double dip which involved strategically timing how long it took for one to chew and synchronising it with my ketchup dip. As you can tell, I was really getting into the swing of things and wanted to win. Sadly though, 2 minutes 40 seconds into it I hit a food wall; it all got a bit too much and I needed a coke or something that didn’t taste like hot nightclub toilet roll. But being the true Olympian that I am I continued with the event in true Paula ‘piss on a run’ Radcliffe style.
4 minutes came, I shoved as much as I could fit into my mouth and yeah I still massively failed. I managed 20 (I rounded it up from 18 to make myself feel a little bit better). We worked out I had double my salt intake for the day and the calorie intake hit the roof. Oh God, I am so ashamed, even writing about it a week later is bringing back the terror of the whole 4 minutes. So ashamed was I that I’ve only managed to eat McDonald’s twice since, and even then only the Hamburger Happy Meals.
What was most distressing about the whole experience is what isn’t caught on camera. I don’t know if it was the general impact of Westfield, the Olympics or the 20 McChicken McNuggets, but I could feel I was gonna throw up, the battered club toilet roll flavour was clinging to my throat and almost suffocating me. So I went to find a safe place to purge, away from the tourists, police and army, and that was a novelty phone box in the middle of Stratford. I was in there for about 5 minutes (which is a long time in Olympic time) whilst my editor/coach/sponsor and a friend had to pretend they were taking photos of themselves on holiday outside the booth, whilst I wretched a Ronald McDonald special into a Uniqlo bag. It was then that I realised I’d somehow locked myself inside and, being seriously claustrophobic, this was not ideal. It took 6 stewards to find the key to release me and my bag of ‘takeaway’, at which point I did runner to bus stop C to be couriered away from Stratford forever.
Seriously if anyone can do this challenge I will marry you over the guy who wines and dines me to a McDonald’s. Oh my days, I think I’m going to stick to white girl rapping.