SUPER TEAM: POLITICS

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One timeFugee’s man, and purveyor of whatever the fuck this is, Wycleffe Jean recently tried running for the Haitian presidency; citing his network of contacts and patriotism as tools to aid him in running the country. He forgot that Akon’s theories on  fiscal policy were at best misguided, and that patriotism is for racists (mug).  Naturally he got boyd off, but he did get me thinking about which celebrities I would want as a cabinet. Politics lol.

NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE BUMP ‘N’ GRIND CUZ – actually you better stop

R KELLY – MINISTER OF REAL TALK

Staunch advocate of real talk and pissing on children, R Kelly has been operating at levels of transparency and realism that our government could only ever talk about for decades now. With everyone from UKIP to Kat Stacks copying his swagga it would be blind-sighted of me not to give him a seat on the cabinet. As such, his time would probably be spent on making goodwill visits as the King Of RnB, and trying to push his ‘Old Enough To Read – Old Enough’ reform bill through over and over again. FUN FACT: MY MINDS TELLING ME NO…BUT MY BODY…MY BOOOOOODY’S TELLING ME YES.

CHIEF WHIP/ ENFORCER- CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

 

If we can learn anything from the Raul Moat saga, it’s that being built like a dinosaur is a surprisingly ineffective way to get what you want. So as opposed to going for the obvious choice and getting my people to contact Randy Savage’s people, I’ve gone for the creepy angle. Imagine this, you’re the minister of fuck all, and you’re sitting at your desk watching family guy on megavideo when you hear the curdling crack of bony knuckles rap against your door, followed by Christopher Walken’s massive head and wisp like slither, asking if you have a moment for a chat. Basically I would shit myself.

KERRY KATONA – MINISTER OF SCAPEGOATING

I work at a shop on a part-time ting, and they put me on the tills most days, because they know if I was to try anything else, tit would be promptly over arse, and half the store would be on fire. Consequently I’m always reading the goss magazines in-between mindless shop transaction banter, and as a result I now have near doctorate levels of knowledge on this skettybum. Seeing as she is always gracing one of the front covers, yapping on about how her husband beat her with a whip made of cocaine while her mum watched. I’m not making light of drug related domestic abuse, I’m just saying if I ever get to the top, give or take I’m going to kill some hookers, and I’m going to need someone to take the heat.

P DIDDY – MINISTER OF ECONOMICS

As far as I can tell, P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Coombes/Diddy/Did Dizzler Master Of Disguise has made his Bad Boy fortune, by muttering non-nonchalantly in the background of hit songs. Such lyrical embellishments as ‘mm okay’ and ‘that’s right,’ have made him billions, possibly zillions – and that’s recession beating frankly. We need that. It’s either him or Lidl. Or stealing – no it’s not the most ethical standpoint, but I’ve got kids to feed.

GEORGE GALLOWAY- PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNIVERSE

Whitest Pakistani man in England, and well, a cat in Big Brother is technically already a politician. However, he was also the greatest entity to ever grace the radiowaves. Yeah sure you could have listened to his show on Talksport for some casual late night political discourse OR you could have listened to it as I did, to hear Galloway berate the unsuspecting Dave from Slough, without almost always Churchillian verbosity, about why he is a moron. The man could be complaining about a shit that he took to his doctor and he would almost always approach it as if he was addressing the Senate.

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