Super-Hero Vs. Super-Human.
When I was younger I always wished I had control over time. At that age it was so I could sneak in to the girls changing rooms and cheat in my exams, now it’s because it would allow me to do pretty much anything I want. Life would be free because stealing wouldn’t be an issue (well, morally it might be), I’d never need to worry about fucking stuff up because I could just go back in time, and if I was super bored at work or accidentally did something ball-achingly awkward I could just fast-forward. But as we know from ‘Click,’ control over time can be dangerous and teach us valuable lessons, like to treat our wife Kate Beckinsale with the respect that she deserves.
Annoyingly no-one knows how to control time, and if they did I doubt they’d tell me (contact details down the bottom just in case) but there are people out there with ‘super-human’ abilities. Admittedly they’re not really that great – synesthesia just means you can see sounds as loads of wavy colours, which would be more of a burden than a power. Busy places would resemble some horrible nu-rave revival, but I suppose it’s kind of interesting and would work as a better ice breaker at a party than it’s polar opposite; ‘I hear sounds with my ears but I don’t see them.’
ECHO LOCATION VS. DAREDEVIL.
Echo Location – I actually saw someone doing this on a TV program a while ago. It’s basically when people (normally blind people, because there wouldn’t really be much point to doing it if you could see) tap their cane, or make clicking noises with their mouth, and work out what’s surrounding them, kind of like a bat or a dolphin. It’s a pretty cool power, and would go some way to sighting the blind, but I’m not sure how effective it would be crossing a road or standing on the edge of a cliff.
Daredevil – As a child Matt Murdock was blinded by radioactive material that fell from the back off a truck, blinding him but heightening his other senses, and actually giving him the gift of echo location. Daredevil’s type of echo location was way more hardcore than normal though; he could hear the Hulk’s heartbeat from four blocks away. I’m never quite sure why no-one gives a shit when highly hazardous waste is being transported around tied on loosely to the back of a truck.
Winner : Echolocation – Because as cool as Daredevil is, the radioactive material is slowly eating it’s way through his eyes and in to his brain, which will result in a long, excruciatingly painful death of brain cancer.
GENETIC CHIMERISM VS. AMAZING MAN
Genetic chimerism – You normally find this in animals rather than humans, but it can happen – CSI Vegas did an episode on a killer who had it and anything Grissom can make a witty pun about is good enough proof for me. Deal is people with this condition are the end result of two embryos that have fused together in the womb, giving them two completely different sets of DNA, which could be really handy if you’re in to raping people and getting away with it.
Amazing man – Other than being one of the first black super-heroes that DC had without the word ‘black’ in his name (just to let the kids know what they were dealing with) Amazing Man had the ability to shift in to whatever he touched, which is a tenuous link to genetic chimerism at best, but it’s kind of the same seeing as he could take on a new genetic make-up. A creepy guy I know at uni reckons if he had a similar power he’d turn himself in to a tampon, which other than being gross for all the obvious reasons makes absolutely no sense – you’d only get a fleeting glance of pussy in the first place, then you’d just be covered in blood until you got flushed down a toilet and ripped up for use in a rat’s nest.
Winner: Amazing Man – Genetic chimerism really has no use except for rape, which is nasty – and if kids found out about it at school they’d call you things like mutant boy and somehow insinuate that you’re gay because you’ve got another dude inside you, which is also nasty.
IMMORTAL CELLS VS. ALUCARD.
Immortal Cells – I’m not actually that certain of what these are, and all wikipedia tells me is that they’ve been used in the research of cancer, aids and the effects of radiation on human beings, but they sound like something straight out of a b-rate comic book. For example; ‘Patricia arrived early at the weekend flower market, eager to snatch up the freshest product for her Sunday morning stall. A curious purple light fell on a flower that she couldn’t quite place – was it an aster? no, a spotted knapweed? Snapping a stem and holding the petals close to her nose, she breathed in the pungent, luminous pollen, and BLAOW! Each one of her previously feeble cells began to turn…IMMORTAL!’
Alucard – Being a vampire, naturally Alucard is immortal, however the writer who devised him got a teensy bit selfish with the powers bestowed on him; he can pass through walls, move faster than Usain Bolt on speroids (speed & steroid speedball), hypnotize and communicate telepathically, is resistant to sunlight (unlike other pussy ‘ole vamps) AND shapeshift in to pretty much whatever tickles his pickle at the time. He’s a total badass in other words and deserves an honorary mention on badass of the week at least.
Winner: Alucard – Because he would rip Patricia and her floristry loving immortal cells to shit with just the tip of his cock.
Overall winner – Super Heroes
It was never really going to be a fair fight, super-heroes are born (or mutated through some sort of exposure to spiders/radioactive material/whatever the writer thinks up) to win battles. Check this guy out though, he’s probably the closest thing to a super-hero on this planet (2:25 is where it gets juicy).
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