Once you’ve returned from your trip helping koalas build new homes in Australia and wrapped up all of your commitments to the Inuit village where you realised for the first time that ‘you just want to help people like this,’ you’ll be hit with the flaming piles of colostomy bags that is organising your student finance (unless you have super cool parents who do it all for you). Although at the time, after speaking to a Scottish guy on the phone for three hours only to be told that you need to sign another-fucking-form before you get your money, the result of this tedious process is actually a massive blessing. If you’re sensible with your money that is, which is very unlikely because you’re a student, and the most sensible thing to spend your money on is beer, clothes you don’t really need and drugs, right? Once you’ve blown that initial cash injection it’s time to get a job, here are a few that allow as little effort as possible.
Become a Dealer.
The fact that this is strictly illegal and could lead to prison time and your innocent arse becoming the playground of Larry in Block 4 is the only real downside to this ‘job.’ You’re surrounded by hundreds of potential customers if you’re living in halls and you don’t even need to move to sell your product, they’ll come to you! Make sure that you don’t smoke/take all of your profit and this one can be a nice little earner, just don’t get rumbled by the security guards because you’ll be kicked out of uni faster than you can weep, ‘£4000 to pay back for no reward.’
This job is essentially just standing around for a few hours holding pieces of card out to uninterested members of public. As dull as that might sound remember you’re basically getting paid for standing there. Who knows, you might even get let in to the night you’re promoting for free! It’s unlikely though as a lot of club promoters are douche-bags so don’t all go rushing away from your computers just yet. The only real downside to this job is flyering at fresher fayres and the amount of newly established second years walking around, feeling all high and mighty and shunning your outstretched hand with a bitter glare because ‘they’re not freshers thank you.’
This one might require a little more effort while you’re actually on the job but the advantage is, with the majority of catering companies, you pick when you want to work. So it’s perfect for those that want the peace of mind of having a job but can never be arsed to do anything. Another great perk to this profession is that if you’re inclined towards having sticky fingers, you can pretty much drink for free all year. The amount of champagne, spirits, beer and wine left after these things could sustain three of Shane McGowan’s birthday parties, so no-ones going to notice if you take a little personal tip for all your hard work.
This one is really a last resort. It takes very little effort in the sense that once you’ve solicited your next married man/woman looking for a little wind-down after a hard day at the office you can just sort of lie there. There is of course the huge snag of possible violence, infection of your sexual parts and the downward spiral of life you’ve actively lead yourself in to; the only rise in job satisfaction you’ll ever get being the possibility of eventually being your pimp’s bottom bitch. This one really isn’t that great on second thoughts.
photo Julia Saldain