Smug brands.

Categorised as GENERAL.

I’m a complete brand whore. As much as I try to give the impression that I’m not, I really am. Don’t worry though, it’s all cool stuff like French menswear designers and New York based street-wear (which I’ll come to later) and I still buy shit from charity shops. I’m still like totally underground. All of us, even you – Oxford gap year girl with your pashmina and ‘grasp for the earth y’know,’ have a soft spot for certain brands. Be it Marlboro Reds or Moschino there’s normally one brand for each individual to buy in to just because it makes them think other people will see you as more of an outsider or whatever. As lame as all of that is, the vast smugness that these brands have for themselves is a whole load lamer.


Fine, I’m writing this on a Mac and there’s a good chance you’re reading this on one (unless you’re on a boring old PC…lulz at u) but no-one can argue about just how self-satisfied this lot are about themselves. It probably all stems down from Steve ‘look at me look at me’ Jobs and his creepy evangelical-like sermons to his employees. The adverts don’t really help either – sure they are loads better for doing fun stuff but really, choosing Robert Webb as the UK spokesperson for their entire self-styled ‘cool, fun’ empire…was that really wise? I think they were trying to get at the fact that he’s the ‘cool’ one in Peep Show, but they forgot he’s also trying incredibly hard to appear cool in every single episode. Kind of like the ‘graphic designer,’ you see in Starbucks pretending to do important arty stuff when really he’s just on photobooth and crying inside about how mundane his life is since the one girl he ever had sex with left him for a bank clerk.


San Pellegrino.

When I think of San Pellegrino I think of Aspen, I think of blond haired daddy’s boys apres-ski, I think of the way they snoot down their noses at others in sub-standard ski-gear, I think you guys are total fags. Essentially it’s just fizzy water, in fact it is JUST fizzy water but it manages to transform anyone who holds a bottle of it in to a shi-shi member of the Tatler set who has just been informed ‘Yes. Yes Tarquin you are the most important man in this room.’ Fuck you Tarquin and fuck you San Pellegrino, you arrogant cunts.


Again, another brand that I actually like, and whose products I own. The problem with them however is how ultra-exclusive they are (most of each collection sells out within a few days) which of course makes anyone who wears it like a super exclusive V.V.I.P. They also have, single-handedly, The Rudest Staff Known To Man. Go in to the New York Supreme store on Lafayette and you’ll instantly be greeted with a sinister look from the overweight ex-skaters working there. Don’t even THINK of asking them anything either – I was in there for 20 minutes, bought two things, was friendly (eventually comically friendly to try and evoke some sort of reaction from the guy behind the till) and all I heard him say was a disgruntled ‘hhmph.’ Also, watch the Epicly Laterd from the L.A Supreme store – dude is so up his own arse he has rivers of shit streaming out of his nostrils. Let’s hope the planned London store will curve the trend.

Abercrombie & Fitch.

Kind of self explanatory really – same goes for Jack Wills and Polo. Check this out if you want a rant though.


Grey Goose Vodka.

This one’s similar to San Pellegrino, but worse because it’s alcohol – so not only does Tarquin think daddy’s money entitles him to swan around like a member of high-society, but he’s drunk so he lets everyone know by buying 10 bottles of this over-priced shit for his table at Boujis, waits for the skanky money-grabbers to flock to him, has a shouting match with some coked up oligarchs son over who can act like the biggest hot-shot (cunt) in the room and ends the night sleazing up some poor girl who thought it would be exciting to come to London for her 18th birthday party. Don’t drink this or you’ll be as shameful and pathetic as him.

words Jamie Clifton.

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