Shitty adverts – Microsoft special.

Categorised as GENERAL.

Microsoft circa 1978.


Windows 7 Was My Idea – Crystal’s Taskbar

These are an odd set of adverts. I have never used Windows 7, but from these adverts it does seem like a product worth bragging about your involvement in.

Crystal is a woman who was not set out for big things, but she wears business clothes and gets taxis to places. From this we can deduce she is one of the many people ruining everyone’s lives anonymously from an open plan office somewhere. She has a thought (alarm bells start ringing here – she says it like it’s something unusual) that ‘Windows should be simpler.’


So she tells them to have a taskbar. Like Mac and Linux have. PROGRESS FAIL.

And Crystal’s idealised version of herself appears to be a version of Denise Richards covered in dried out PVA glue.


Windows 7 Was My Idea – Ramin’s Snap

The comments for this one say it all. Again, it’s an idea that has been used in other operating systems, and it isn’t one that’s likely to be a clincher. The idea is that, if you have two things open, you pull them to opposite sides of the screen and they snap into place, each occupying half of the display.

I’m using Windows XP. If I want to do that, I click ‘Restore Down’ and then resize the windows manually. Or I alternate between the two windows by clicking on the task bar. It takes maybe a few seconds longer that it being done automatically, and doesn’t result in the Blue Screen of Death every other time.

And in this advert the idealised version of Ramin is a slightly pudgier, older version of himself. All this says is: ‘You’ve saved about five minutes of your life using our new product’s “Snap” feature and you’re still in the gym getting fatter. Loser.’


Windows 7 Was My Idea – Sophie’s No Worries

‘Hi I’m Sophie, yah? My mother is 70% wine and my father was a horse. I asked Microsoft if they’d make their new operating system crash less than the old one,  AND – snort! – THEY DID! I know! Oh my god! Not that it wasn’t humanly possible to make one that crashed less than the old one, and it’s the least you’d bally well expect of them and everything, but they’re thoroughly bloody nice blokes, hyah! Now I’m going to get chucked out of this library by some frightful oik because Omigod I’m so funny!’

‘Oh, and my idealised version of myself is what I see in the mirror thanks to this super smashing eating disorder!’


Windows 7 – 7 Second Demos: SHAKE

Oh fuck off. Rather than shaking the window you want to focus on, why not just do what everyone on every operating system has been doing for decades, and maximise it?

Seriously, this is actually a step backwards. Say your touch pad actually doesn’t just go nuts, then it still takes longer to shake it than it does just to click on the relevant button on the task bar.

Also, I have a horrible feeling it might be possible to change the sound files so instead of the noise of the window expanding you have the noise of a baby crying, a click, and then terrible silence.


Microsoft Bing Search Engine – Information Overload Ads

Ah, the comical misunderstandings of these adverts. But wait, they’re actually saying something deeply pertinent about our culture. There are too many of these misunderstandings because there is so much information around that people will instead talk about things that sound-a-bit-like-but-are-not-quite what you said. Happens all the time.

Except, no, wait. I remember now. People are thick. They don’t know anything. And when you talk to them about something, and they don’t hear you, they pretend to listen and nod while trying to work out what you just said. Or they have no idea what you’re talking about because they, as I said, are thick. And when they change the subject you have no idea what they’re talking about, because you’re thick too. As am I.

In the past if I didn’t know something I could always “Google” it, but should I? Apparently there is too much information on Google, and we might get confused, and make strange social faux-pas. So instead we should use Microsoft’s  search engine, which only has three pieces of information on it and they’re all wrong. Honestly, when was the last time you met someone who knew too much?

Microsoft: It’s easier than knowing stuff.

words Andrew Blair

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