YouTube reserves the right to decide whether Content violates these Terms of Service for reasons other than copyright infringement, such as, but not limited to, pornography, obscenity, or excessive length.

Youtube terms of service, 9th June 2010

I wouldn’t imagine that YouTube would be your first stop if you were looking for porn, in fact I would imagine that its terms of service would make it the last place on the internet where porn could safely exist. Well, you and I are both horribly wrong because YouTube is actually rammed full of possibilities for sexual gratification. The only problem is that you have to be something of a deviant or at least in possession of a reasonably colourful imagination to get off on any of its heavily regulated digital orifices.

Mash up Reebokz

I recently read an article on vice style by one of our editors about people who have a fetish for hagged out Reebok Classics. It made me think that if people can get off on this within the relative safety of YouTube, maybe there is something on here for a hetero guy, like me, something devoid of penis enlargement ads, credit card scams and malware, a place where I don’t have to go incognito. It’s where this journey of sexual awakening on YouTube began. Not that I was in any way aroused by what I was seeing. Confused, yes. Intrigued, not really. Aroused, not even slightly.

Upskirts

This is a big part of the YouTube porn scene where there are hundreds of women being less than lady-like when sat down in the presence of a camera. Remember in 2007 when all those D-list celebrities went through that phase of getting their coochies (yes, I did use that word) out in public? That’s not on there. How about when Lorainne Kelly blurringly opened her legs a bit too wide on GMTV one morning? Well, that is on there. This is the sort of thing where you inevitably need to use your imagination to get anywhere, sometimes the most arousing things are what you can’t see. Then again a lot of this is the sort of thing I would not want to see anyway.

Booty Bounce

At the risk of sounding a bit racist, “Even ethnic minority sexual needs are catered for on YouTube!” Thumbs up for booties up!  Of course everyone loves a big gyrating ass wobbling about in front of them no matter what colour they are, but if we are being totally honest they really are the preserve of hip hop videos, aren’t they? You aren’t going to find one in an Arctic Monkeys video for example, even if it would make the whole thing infinitely more interesting. That is not to say that the white man hasn’t lusted over and defiled the exotic black venus for many hundreds of years, from white slave owners creating illegitimate “coloured” offspring to the noble white man rampaging through the jungle in the name of king and country, colonising bodies in his wake. But back to the video, booty bounce is a truly fascinating skill; I’m impressed when when a woman can make the tassels on her boobs spin in opposite directions (the true mark of a pro), but the control these lusty ball breakers show over their posteriors blows that out of the water.

Girls Making Out With Girls

YouTube really came into its own here. Shit got real. I had hit the jackpot. I had more or less found porn and a hell of a lot of it. There was no actual nudity except from a lot of side boob, but this definitely had to have been derogatory towards woman since I was totally getting off on it and as far as I could remember from my feminist teachings this was a defining feature of pornography. The weirdest thing about this compared to proper porn is that nothing ever really happens, it’s like being in limbo. In fact, this could even be a vision of hell, where ultimate gratification eludes you for all eternity. It’s mesmerising to watch but I’ve had my mind twisted and warped by stuff so much harder than this I eventually got bored and wandered off. I doubt that would happen IRL though.

BDSM

Of course there was going to be BDSM, the entire purpose of YouTube is humiliation. BDSM is not my cup of tea but I’m aware that whips and chains and leather don’t count as nudity and evading nudity is the name of the game. I’m wondering who actually watches porn on YouTube, I’m guessing people at work, teenagers whose parents are internet savvy enough to have set up road blocks anywhere outside of the CBBC website and people writing articles about places to find sub-standard pseudo-pornography. 11,000 people have watched this video though, leading me to believe that there is another group of people who watch BDSM on YouTube, jilted brides and middle aged divorcees who have been traded in for a younger model, and this guy, “I just came two more times looking at her hot ass. I’d pay her $100, plus to dress like that and kick me in the balls while I was I’d jacking off.” So apparently it is possible to get off on YouTube.

Hot Guys in Swimwear

If you have made it this far you probably aren’t a girl, girls hate porn. They don’t get that porn is the only thing that holds back the male primordial urge to reproduce with every woman in sight. It’s the glue that holds society together. Anyway, I have quite severely run the risk of significantly debasing women in this column and I want to show that I’m a sensitive guy who cares about their feelings, so I’ve found a little something for all the ladies out there. I’m guessing that the explicit aim of this isn’t to get you off, right? The music. The cropping in and out of the pictures. The lack of sexual savagery. It’s all so harmless. Although, I feel inadequate now, so not that harmless.

Acrotomophilia/Amputee Fetishism

I had to really start thinking outside the box in a big way at this point. I knew I needed a fetish that didn’t involve nudity and I knew that stockings and leather fall in to categories that I’d already covered. I was really clutching at straws when this popped into my recommended viewing. Teratophilia, arousal towards deformity, is a form of paraphilia, sexual arousal found in the abnormal and extreme, but I prefer to see it as finding beauty in the extraordinary. Acrotomophilia is a specific fetish where sexual arousal is directed towards amputees. I have to admit that I felt completely distorted after watching this. The uncanniness to typical sexual images of women was almost surreal, but the entire video lacks a coherant sexual punch giving it an almost Lynchian quality. I feel quite guilty now and I feel even more guilty for feeling guilty. I just want to know how they lost their legs and if they are happy.

Honorable mention:

The gynacology part of YouTube.

If you are that weird kid who has psychological issues and masturbates at school this is probably where you go for what is effectively hardcore porn. I remember a kid at my school who cut a small ad out of a newspaper (b&w) of a woman in a bra and told me he was “going to hit that later.” Unlike that, there is absolutely nothing sexual going on here and yet I’m pretty sure that a lot of people are getting off on this shit given that it was recommended viewing way back when I was watching the girls getting lathered up in the shower. Disturbing. I was even more disturbed by the graphic depictions of birth that showed up as recommended viewing on the left, as if to say “that’s enough, put it away lad”. :’-(

There is no way I’m embedding the video because it’s way too graphic, if you manage to find it then you have serious problems.

Words:

Marcus Harris

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This entry was tagged as marcus harris, Porn, seven deadly, Sex, youtube.