“With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication”

Book of revalation 17:2

Do you really want to know who the person is who is getting penetrated in every available orifice? Probably not. Luckily for you, pornstars are the single most anonymous people on the planet so even once you have read this it is highly unlikely you will ever be sentient enough whilst watching porn to think to yourself, I read an article about this ‘fucking slut take it take it take it’.

Lisa Sparxxx

919 guys is a lot of dick over a whole life time no matter what way you do the maths. Lisa Sparxxx, literally, eats that for breakfast though because she hit that whole mess up in just one day. Yes, the world gangbang champion literally banged 919 guys in one sitting (literally) smashing the then world record by almost 200 thrustees (technical term). I’m still trying to work out if everything down there would have been a sludgey hot mess or as dry as sandpaper after that sort of punishment, it’s rancid but worth thinking about…

John Holmes

The infamous sorcerer of bitches and men alike. A penis so fabled it is alleged that he could fuck two girls at once with it. If, for whatever reason, John Holmes had been born some two thousand years earlier he would have been ridiculed as a moron for the size of his junk. Roman men had the strange idea that the smaller and more childlike the penis the more attractive. Some people still think that, they are usually wearing creepy glasses and frequent the front pages of the Sun. John Holmes and his magnificent rod of steel turned up at the right time, Vietnam had cost America its spirit and it was in desperate need of some expansionist masculinity, cue alleged murderer and coke fiend Holmes’ junk fucking the pain away and decimating women like the communist sympathisers that they are.

Heather Brooke

The naked female form is a near perfect thing, so fucking sue me. It taught me a hell of a lot more than real women could [when I was a teenager]. For example, I was unaware that deepthoat even existed until I ‘met’ Heather [on the internet] when I was 16 or 17 and, whilst her sword-swallowing expertise is pretty amazing, you are unlikely to find anyone with the real life capabilites, let alone the desire to engage in such congress. Still, I feel good for the girl, she is lucky enough to seemingly enjoy these things whereas most searches for ‘deep throat’ return terrifying results of fat men using their averagely sized junk to take out all of their childhood abuse on some poor pretty face. One time I accidentally watched a porno (pre stream days) where a woman was reduced to vomiting closely followed by me doing the same (vomming not deep throating). Suffice to say, the face fucking scene is a pretty messed up place.

Shelley Lubben

It never fails to amaze me how porn manages to circumvent all sexual norms. If I had a penny for every time I have seen a woman, wide eyed and grinning like a coke fiend take a shot accross the face with all the joy in the world I would be a rich and deluded man. Likewise thrusting away at whatever hole you are having a go on may seem all well and good on tape but have you ever thought about who you are banging? Well, if you are banging away like that it is probably a safe bet to assume not. For one it is the opposite of any type of technique or game and can also allegedly cause uteral hemmhoraging. I once knew a chap who thought it fantastic that his girlfriend developed cervical cysts because he’d ‘been smashing her so hard’, as far as I was concerned he might as well have been sticking a rod of uranium up there for all the damage he was doing and I’m pretty sure she felt the same. There is a definite tendency in porn for the abuse of women and I would say that tendency is turning into a trend. There was a time when bukkake was a weird thing limited to strange forums on tor networks, no one wanted to admit to having that little respect for women or such latently homosexual tendencies that they would watch a dozen pricks slap a women around? Wrong. When a nightclub can open which goes buy such name I think it is fair to say that the practice (or at least desire to engage in such practice) is fairly widespread. But you have to find a woman who can take more shots than Dirty Harry.  I guess she could be any number of porn stars but I picked Shelley Lubben at random and that was a mistake, she hates porn because it gave her HPV, hepatitis and some cancer.

Jenna Jameson

I sometimes wonder to myself how far can Jenna go? The world has been fortunate enough thus far to have had no proper experience of real porn stars getting aged and decrepit. But I really think that Jenna Jameson plans to be the first, her once taught frame is starting to show the odd kink in the body work, though it is being covered up in a typically unrealistic fashion by botox and fake boobs. I can still get down with Jenna though, she’s earned a place in my heart (I watched disgustingly low resolution 14 second clips of her in the late 90s) and I’m sort of interested in the body’s ageing process, but not interested enough to watch OAP porn… Not to reduce Jenna to the sum of her parts though because she actually has turned her body into a quite significant business asset that almost allowed her to buy Penthouse magazine at one point. Jenna Jameson is far from some dumb broad making a few loud dollars in dirty movies and she should be respected as such.

Heidi Fleiss

Quite possibly the most famous whore in all the world. Prostitution was a noble profession before the catholic church got their grubby mitts all over everything, and if you think about it, a bunch of child abusers calling prostitutes immoral gives a whole new meaning to that glass houses analogy that Jesus came up with, more like ‘those made of kerosene shouldn’t play with fire’. The Whore of Babylon features heavily in the book of revelation and guess what, whilst it’s one of the most brilliant pieces of literature ever written, it is complete bull shit. So much so that I’d say that its a safer bet to bet against anything that is actually written in the book of revelation than to expect it to ever happen or have been true. Prostitutes have been around far far far longer than Christianity and they will be around long after its gone. Because knowledge has a price and carnal knowledge is the most valuable knowledge of all. Prostitutes are fantastic, the true essence of capitalism: selling something you have to someone who wants it. Ironically the people who are most opposed to such things as prostitution, aka people on the right of politics, are technically its most ardent supporters, it’s enterprising, shows a sense of wilful indeterminism, fulfils a supply/demand rhetoric, it’s all about liberalism in the market place, is fundamentally capitalist and Jesus’ wife was a whore, plus they are definitely more likely to get caught using them.

Pamala Anderson

I guess this is more about clebrity sex tapes in general. Pammy set the tone with what was essentially the first celebrity sex tape (Rob Lowe technically got there first but no one really cares about him and his bro high fiving whilst they bang some co-ed). We care about a Baywatch babe though, and for some reason we cared about Paris Hilton destroying her ‘slutty’ reputation by showing us that she had no real idea about what to do in the bedroom. We care about Vern Troys sex tape because, lets face it, the story of how it got out is hilarious. His girlfriend literally kept it out of his reach, literally. Sex tapes are great, more people need to make them, they undoubtedly push your career forward and usually come with some sort of ludicrous apology based press conference when they leak. Who are you apologising to? And none of us who sought it out can unsee it.

You

I’m leaving this final spot open for all the amateurs out there, all those boys and girls who get a kick out of seeing themselves on tape. You are the unsung heroes of the porn scene and if you want to send me your tapes then go for it (no homo pls). Keep keeping it real kids.

Words:

Marcus Harris

This entry was tagged as heather brooke, heidi fleiss, jenna jameson, john holmes, lisa sparxxx, pamela anderson, Porn, shelly lubben.