Seven Deadly: Brit Awards

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This year’s Brit Awards was like navigating a labyrinth of banality, from the nominations to the winners it was a who’s who of who are you. I know the Brit Awards are not supposed to be taken seriously (seriously, they aren’t) but they are a good indication of what is going on in pop music, this year the theme seems to be ‘come to the party dressed as something beginning with B’ and everyone chose either ‘bloody boring’ or ‘banal’.  The only interesting thing that happened was that ITV managed to once again show that they shouldn’t be trusted to go anywhere near live broadcasting and elicited a sign of life from Adele. Here are seven awards, they aren’t in any way deadly unless you die of boredom. 

Best International Breakthrough – Lana Del Rey

How is there still hype behind this? We’ve all heard the album and been subject to its rudimentary perspective on all things vintage, its abysmal production values, its repetitiveness, its complete lack of soul, just how derivative it is overall. I’m sure Lana is a wonderful ‘individual’ but I’m confused at how she has managed to breakthrough whilst still seemingly incapable of playing live. I’m not sure if any of this is even her fault; her ascent was way too quick, far outstripping her capabilities. The award is a typically self satisfying pat on the back that should go to her manager for “being well fucking good at PRing the shit out of that”.

British Album of the Year – Adele

How can I argue with 11 million album sales and counting, I hear you ask? Surely, that many people can’t be wrong? Well, let me give you some other figures:

  • The Titanic soundtrack sold 11 million copies (I personally owned a pirated copy).
  • 11 million people, on average, watch the X Factor every week.
  • The final Harry Potter book sold 11 million copies in 24 hours.
  • 11 million people voted for the Nazi party in 1932 and we all know where that lead.

So we can see quite clearly that quantity is by no means a measure of quality and in all honesty the competition wasn’t up to much, but obviously PJ Harvey should have won because she is awesome and not a blizzard of emo crap like Adele.

International Male Solo Artist – Bruno Mars

How this man was even allowed to be nominated for an award is beyond me. His music offends me to such a degree that I would rather pull my own toenails out with my teeth than listen to more than twenty seconds of his music. On this supposed ‘Lazy Song’ day why the fuck did he not stay at home and do nothing rather than drag himself to a recording studio where some unprincipled and gormless git allowed him to dump the biggest pile of audible crap across a mixing desk

“I’ll be lying on the couch just chillin in my snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie
Coz in my castle I’m the freakin man
Oh Oh

Yes I said it
I said it
I said it coz I can

Today I don’t feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
Coz today I swear I’m not doing anything”

At least no one will think it out of the ordinary when he doesn’t answer the phone, giving me a 24 hour window to dispose of his body (which I can conveniently wrap in his ‘snuggie’, whatever the fuck that is) before people alert the authorities. That was thoughtful of you Bruno.

International Group – Foo Fighters

How are you still making music Dave Grohl? Surely people are bored of that same wall of guitars and you grunting over the top of everything, it’s bordering on Nickleback. You are in the same nomination category as Maroon 5; can you imagine Nirvana being judged alongside Maroon 5? It doesn’t even bear thinking about, and the day after Kurt Kobain’s birthday. Shocking. The Foo Fighters offend me because they are exactly what you expect a rock band to be, Rock. Rock chicks. Power Rock. Rockin’. “I like Rock music.” Wow, so edgy and alternative…

British Single – One Direction

This is a joke that has been taken too far if ever I saw one. In fact this this whole group is a joke that has been taken too far, with the exception of Example because he’s actually a hilarious guy and I remember him from back in the electroclash day when he was a rapper and shit. He’d probably draw on you if you’d passed out and then upload the picture to his Twitter and it would be lolz, whereas I imagine that one of The Wanted would probably nefariously try and stick it in your girlfriend if she was passed out. Back to One Direction, or 1D as they are know to their super cool fan base, they are a pop band who lost the X Factor but still managed to win the battle for hearts and minds with their dimply little faces and ethnic multiplicity, like an all singing all dancing Benetton advert. There is the Irish one, the British-Pakistani one, the one from up north, the northern one and the other northern one. One of them goes out with a model and one of them was warped by Caroline Flack and the musical one seems to be in a sexual relationship with his guitar. Their name is really interesting too, because there is like five of them and they should all be going in different directions but they are such a singularity they all move in One Direction. Anything else I can mention to avoid talking about their music which sounds like it fell out of the cancerous bowel that is High School Musical?

British Group – Coldplay

At one point many, many years ago the Arctic Monkeys were alright, they didn’t have a MySpace, which back then was like the total embodiment of “couldn’t give less of a fuck” cool. Now, of course, no one has a MySpace and the Arctic Monkeys have become a greaser band, like Danny Zuko’s gang, the T-Birds, in Grease, which is totally not the artisan hipster vibe that is currently cool. So they didn’t win this award, neither did the bollocks that is Kasabian, Chase and Status and, the always dire, Elbow. No, an even greater enemy of excitement pipped all of that to the post, crossing the finish line like a wet dish cloth loitering around the sink, Coldplay. I guess there must still be a lot of sensitive guys out there after all, ladies.

British Breakthrough Act – Ed Shereen

Ed Sheeran has the privileged honour of managing to get a number one album with the lowest number of record sales in 17 years. That is a fact. In fact lets look at the number one album chart for 2012, I’ve had a sudden urge to rip my face off:

re Ed Sheeran + Asylum 1 January 2012 1
re Adele 21 XL 8 January 2012 1
re Bruno Mars Doo-Wops & Hooligans Elektra 15 January 2012 1
re Adele 21 XL 22 January 2012 1
re Ed Sheeran + Asylum 29 January 2012 1
938 Lana Del Rey Born to Die Polydor 5 February 2012 1

Can you see the trend here? Aside from the trend that states banality and average bollocks sells hundreds of thousands of records. It’s a trend that states banality and average bollocks translates into Brit Awards. God, this is so depressing, it’s like being stuck in a loop of endless crap where crap replaces crap which replaces crap and is in turn replaced by even more crap. It might not be Boyzone or Westlife but fundamentally it is all the same.

Honorable Mention: Lifetime Achievement Award Blur

For the first time ever I’m completely straight faced when I use the term ‘honorable mention’, I really do love Blur. BUT (and there is always a but), has anyone else noticed that those who receive the lifetime achievement awards are getting progressively younger? I’m not sure it’s lifetime achievement when the band have just got back together after a six year hiatus and almost ten years of no new material (with the exception of approximately two tracks). And since they are about to embark on the next stage of their career as Blur with a new album on the way it would make more sense to wait until that is done as the ‘lifetime’ of the band is clearly far from over and had largely recently been lacking in ‘life’. If someone from blur had to win it then a logical winner would have been Albarn or Coxon since they individually kept working on projects whilst Blur was on hiatus, hence lifetime. Either way, I’m perplexed as to why Black Sabbath didn’t win… I wonder who’ll win this award next year, my money is on Bloc Party.

More Seven Deadlies here.

Words:
Marcus Harris

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