If all else fails, nick stuff.

Not a day goes by when we aren’t bombarded with more stories about how useless our degrees are and how that skank Ashleigh who dropped out of school at 16 when she got pregnant with Darren’s baby (or was it his brother Steve’s?) is already manager of the frozen food section at Lidl and has better career prospects than us PLUS a council house for life.  Here’s a list of jobs that will get you through these dark days.

Prostitute

People always need a little lift in a recession, and there’s always a fat ugly rich man who can’t get laid. If you’re reading this you probably aren’t a crazed crystal meth/ heroin addict, in which case you have the upper hand over most of the whores where you live. That means you can be one of them well posh hoes raking in the big bucks. If you can’t face being a prostitute, just mentioning to your dad that you’ve looked into it as a viable option is usually enough to get you out of the red. YAY.

Bailiff

Being a bailiff, is a recession proof job if ever there was one. I guess it’s less high risk than being a prostitute, but people hate you more, so there’s really not much between the two.

PHD/ Masters

If all else fails, why not just continue with the lavish lifestyle to which you have become accustomed. Doing a PHD extends those balmy student days by three whole years. You might also be able to avoid some of the less savoury jobs on this list.

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Porn foley artist

If you’re unemployed & can’t afford a prostitute, the best free thing to do is have a wank. Browsing gumtree for another dead end job you’ll hate, it’s only fair to reward yourself with a quick browse of your chosen porn site (I’m a fan of deviant porn case you were wondering). Procrasterbation, it’s an art form in itself.  But here’s the thing, you’re missing a trick. Last week I got chatting to this girl. We started discussing careers (in my case lack of), anyways this girl tells me she’s like a voiceover artist, “ummm cool is that like on the Archers and shit?”, “Errr no, I make the ambient noise in porn  films”…. WHAT? So this girl is telling me she fakes orgasms, and gets paid for it. Err hello?  What girl doesn’t know how to fake an authentic orgasm? So if you have a little too much dignity to become a porn star, but your overdraft requires more than the average bar job. This could be the job for you…but it probably isn’t.

Oh and in case you were wondering, the sound of balls slapping, is made with two raw pieces of chicken- SEXY.

Sell your virginity

If you are lucky enough to be a virgin, you can even sell that on ebay now. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bristol/3429769.stm

If Rosie Reid, 18, from London, can get £10000, just think what you’d get. If you’re not a virgin, just sit on the edge of the bed and cry a lot afterwards and nobody will be any the wiser.

Nun

The number of openings at nunneries are fairly independent of the economic climate, but you have to get married to an old man (God) who not only cannot fulfil your sexual desires, but outright forbids you from having them. Also unlike any other marriage to an old man he isn’t going to die any time soon leaving you to play the promiscuous grieving widow.

Blogger

Anyone can get a job as a blogger. Some people make millions via their blogs. I have a friend who makes six pounds a week. If you’re really great you might even be able to write for mint. The bastards will never pay you but they’re really nice, so you can let that one slide.

words Daisy Devine

This entry was tagged as bailiff, jobs, phd, prostitute, recession, recession proof job.