I don’t drive. I took a few lessons when I was 17. I didn’t bother carrying on after my instructor inexplicably quit. Possibly because I nearly ran over a cat. Then hit an oncoming vehicle. Twice. Besides, you don’t need a car if you live in London. You ever notice how most of the people that say that are people who live in the arse end of nowhere? I’d drive a car despite living in London. But I can’t. So fuck off.

Not being able to ferry myself around on four wheels I am resigned to using public transport. Which is fine I guess. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you London transport is littered with problems. Like trying to get from one end of London without getting blown to fucking pieces. Travelling on the tube is hellish enough, what with all the germs, stampeding kids and trigger happy coppers, without having that to worry about.

I may have a solution. Of sorts. Just a grouping of a few ideas which will make using public transport a more pleasant experience for me and you. Actually, I don’t care about you, but I’ll share my vision with you anyway. Here goes:

Geddit? Yeah it's darkness, like it should be on the tube (nearly).

1. Lights out…

It’s too bright on the tube. Especially in the mornings. It’s not the one having to get on the train on the way to a job that rapes your soul for 8 hours without having to look at other horrendous commuters in glaring Technicolour. It’s also not the one having to get on the tube after ingesting your body weight in Ecstacy and everyone can see you’re a degenerate fuckwit. In glaring Techincolour. I once got on the tube after a long weekend and proceeded to pass out on my seat. I awoke to see three girls giggling at me while my jaw went for a walk. They wouldn’t have found it so funny if I had pissed on their faces though.

I’m digressing. My point? Turn the lights down. Just a little bit. Thanks.

Stole this from Prancehall - sorry.

2. Kill the noise. Or get killed…

No one cares about the cute little top you bought yesterday. It’s 8am for fucks sake. We’re aware you’re ‘on the bus’. Why? Cos we’re on it too you cunt. I’ve overheard so many conversations where you just want to take the phone of the person speaking and shove it in their ear sideways. Anyone playing music through their phone should be stripped and beaten with a strap on until their lips turn blue and blood pours from their ears. Schoolkids should be made to sit and shut up until they get to where they are going because they all smell and have silly pubic ‘taches. It’s my aim to make journeys a shit-chat, grime music free experience. I think extreme measures like these are needed. Who’s with me?

3. I pay, I say….

Also, if you take up nearly two seats….get to walking. It’s your inherent laziness that made you that way in the first place. Why should I have to sit on half a seat while the other side of my arse goes for a snooze as you sweat, breathe like Michael Jackson on a childrens ward and eat a Bounty? Fuck off. Women with prams are even worse. Just cos you pushed a screaming little cunt through your vagina doesn’t mean the world should pander to the tank you’ve decided to ferry the little shit around in. Strap it to the roof. The little blighter might enjoy it and grow up to be an astronaut. Highly unlikely though. Have you seen some of the mothers who use public transport? You have to wonder who was the man brave enough to…..

These are just some of my bugbears about using public transport. If we could iron out some of the problems mentioned above I would have a much cheerier dispostion. Probably. If I passed these ideas on to the mayor of my fair city, the jibbering buffoon that is Boris Johnson, I wonder if he would help me implement them? I doubt it. What with all the swearing and scatological violence. He’s probably too busy risking his life on his bike, swerving inbetween buses full of people not talking with baby buggy’s strapped to the roof…

Anyway. I gotta run or I’ll miss my train. Until the next one….

This entry was tagged as boris johnson, bus, Grime, public transport, tube.