PROTESTS ARE BULLCRAP.

Categorised as GENERAL.

I know I’m a student and when you’re one of them you’re supposed to do stuff like live in squalor, share STDS and protest against the establishment for doing something that you have a limited understanding of (but wtf, fight the power – amirite?) however none of those life choices appeal to me whatsoever. Sure, call me a clean, disease-free conformist, I don’t care – I’d rather have some washed plates to eat off and a dick not riddled with sores. Hell, I guess it’s just who I am.

The general hygiene issue I’m sure you understand, but just to let you know – my unwillingness to traipse around London shouting mean stuff about the powers that be doesn’t come from apathy – I do care about the environment, budget cuts and not getting obliterated by a ton of bombs, promise – it comes from knowledge that what I say makes fuck all difference. Since when has a protest in the UK actually worked? Nearly a million people pitched up to the ‘Stop the War Coalition’ march in 2003, and look what a great job that did. I’m not having a go at anyone there btw (dirty hippies) – the more infuriating thing about it is the widespread delusion that seems to have taken a hold of the general public that what we say will be heard by the government. Well, I mean they will hear it – 750,00 people shouting in central London is pretty audible – but they won’t listen or do anything about it.

There surely has to be a more efficient way of getting this done; perhaps instead of wasting thousands of pounds on placards and banners we could all group together secretly (form a nationwide ‘no politicians allowed club’ if you will) and invest the money in mind control science? We’ll get Helen Mirren to stroll in to Downing Street, sweet-talk the PM in an alluring-but-still-definitely-motherly way (David Cameron would eat that shit up) and then right when he’s least expecting it she could slam him with some cosmic mind ray that leaves his brain totally susceptible and accepting of rational common sense, i.e don’t let universities charge whatever they like because it will make the whole system more elitist and money driven than it already is. I mean, who does he think he is, America or something?

Another tactic that I’d like to open to speculation is the act of internet revolution; using the net to rise up instead of looking at porn and facebook stalking for three hours. 4chan have already utilised it a few times, but in like racist, offensive ways because they’re totally random. Aside from the fact that it’s a bit new-faggy, (is that right?) guaranteed, if you ask people to vote online for something completely inane they will. I was on there once when they trolled a CNN online vote determining whether the N word is acceptable for everyday use, they made it so 67% of the vote said it was. It’s not going to be long before censuses and voting are done online so once that’s all set up the no politicians allowed club can have another meet up (I’ll bring cakes) and we can put our minds together and agree on what to do about the country.

Honestly though, let’s think of some new ways to take a stand that aren’t quite so ineffective, and banish the whole protest thing to the depths of history to chill with Mel Gibson & Tay ‘Chocolate Rain’ Zonday before we all become stock footage for right wing TV networks to manipulate.

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