People who really need to relax a bit.

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I hate people who say “chill winston” or “you need to take a chill pill,” unless it’s in an ironic way in which case I suppose it can be kind of funny, but still nowhere near a roll on the floor laughing moment. In fact the people who say those things seriously are normally the ones who need to take a step back and realise what a huge trucker hat wearing dick they are. There are some people who need to hear those phrases fo’ reals though, like this girl I used to live with who shouts when she’s talking rather than talking when she’s talking. Here are some shlebs/people you’ll know about who really need to quit being so aggy.

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Tim Westwood

THE BIIIG DAAWG!!!! He’s doing his thang baby. What more can be said about the man? He’s got shit for most of his career, which considering he’s the 52 year old son of a preacher from Lowestoft (where the Darkness & Lil Chris are from, urgh) has gone very very well. Westwood’s type of hype is a bit too self-enforced for me though, you can almost hear the inner amateur horticulturalist blooming through his right on, groovy modern language.

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Busta Rhymes

Here’s me bigging up the big dawg, when Busta Rhymes is quite capable of making him look like a little fawn in the face of a Lion who’s been fed PCP for days and forced to watch Loose Women. “And just for the record we’re doing this interview in fucking Glasgow, so don’t get it get fucked up.” He looks like he’s ready to spark Westwood in his over-expressive face. 

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Crazy Titch

He killed someone over some lyrics, which is kind of the definition of being an aggy cunt. Also, poor taxi driver – he was probably thinking ‘I’ll just charge him an extra couple of quid, that way maybe I can get the full works rather just a blowie tonight” and became an accidental youtube star instead.

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Actors

Is life really that fucking hard? You’re making bucks by wearing a costume and doing a bit of acting, and you’re banging hot chicks. What’s with the rage?

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The Police

Ah, the police. Those mother-fuckers. In fact, did you know that statistically 78% of men in the British police force have had sexual relations with their own mother? It’s true (it’s not).

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The Peckham Terminator

These have to be the campest threats I’ve ever seen, he looks almost identical to the guy gay in Skins. And what the fuck is he even arguing about? “Don’t you fucking talk about black people, what’s your fucking problem?” My problem is that I can’t walk straight through glass doors like you can. That guy filming seems like a douche as well.

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America

Is it just me or are most Americans a bit weird? When I say most I don’t really mean that because all the American’s I’ve met in England are fine, it’s just Americans in America when they’re being all patriotic and get hyper friendly, smile LOADS and ask you how your day was if you’re just buying something in their shop. Perhaps it’s completely normal and I’m not used to it because everyone in London is as unfriendly as Nick Griffin in a mosque, but they just creep me out a bit in an ominous, beginning of a horror film type of way.

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Kim Jong Il

Ok, I know he’s a bit of a fascist dictator and everything, but how can you stay mad at a guy who’s had it recorded officially that every time he plays golf he shoots at least 3 or 4 holes in one? He’s just so adorable – we all know he’s lying but who’s gonna questions the little big man?

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