Loneliness in the 21st Century.

Categorised as GENERAL.

100 years ago loneliness meant retreating alone to some beaten up shack in middle-of-nowhere Scotland with twenty bottles of gin, a pen & paper to document your sorrow (‘oh woe is me’ type shit), and a rope to make the noose that would solve all your problems. It was something that inspired artists, poets and general decadent artistical libertines to create their masterpieces before they eventually topped themselves and their work became legend. Well, in my mind anyway.

Nowadays there are way too many solutions to loneliness, and people use nooses to asphyxi-wank rather than kill themselves, and end up accidentally dying one of the most embarrasing deaths known to man – and it’s pretty hard to get embarrassed when you’re dead. The days of true unadulterated, hardcore ‘I’m a fucking recluse, leave me alone you prick’ loneliness are gone my friends, and some may argue that this is for the best, and that technology, along with all it’s other benefits – like culling the jobs of hard-working people – has been the saviour or those who would have otherwise killed themselves. Well I don’t, I think it’s a travesty. LOL JK – obviously it’s great that people all over the world aren’t ending it all, but surely there’s other ways of entertaining yourself rather than all this shit, like just doing the first couple of bits of how the pros used to do it for example. That way we would have loads more incredible artists, musicians and writers instead of people like Pete Doherty who seem as though they’re just trying really hard to come across as lonely & tormented. I mean it’s super obvious calling your band the libertines.

Real Dolls

Real Dolls are the stomping ground of creeps. I watched a documentary about people who own them and from the looks of it you don’t necessarily need to be lonely to own one but if you do decide to purchase one of these cum-vacuums it will make you lonely really fucking quick. It’s kind of tragic actually, the people who own Real Dolls sort of know that they aren’t real (despite that tricky, confusing name I know) but they treat them and talk about them like they are – i.e ‘Molly’s been living with me for the past couple of years now, and yeah sure – she got a bit a jealous when I bought Cindy but they get on really well now.’

Second Life

The boundaries between loneliness, desperation & insanity are pretty skewed here. I actually downloaded it to see what all the cyber fuss was about, and except for being able to fly it’s shit – and flying gets boring really quick. Who wants to spend actual hard-earned money on make believe things?  It’s not quite the same, but Habbo Hotel is played by the same sort of people who sit in gaming chairs, addicted to mouses and masturbation and have lost all sense of reality. Look – someone even got real police to investigate someone else stealing their virtual furniture.

Robotic Pets

These are a step up from Furbies, but that’s nothing to boast about. I remember actually really wanting one of these when I was little – cue ‘PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN I HAVE ONE? PLEEEAASE!! I’LL MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T DIE LIKE MY HAMSTERS’ But I’m glad my mum realised that I was lazy and would lose interest in something so pointless, and put up with my bitchy whining, because if she had bought me one it would probably still be on, twitching around in my attic. Remember Furbies actually? They were impossible to turn off unless you smashed/stabbed/set fire to them, and they are not good lessons to be teaching to already lonely children.

Writing on forums/Youtube

This is the worst type of loneliness because it’s basically ripping off what loneliness used to mean – people locking themselves away and writing hateful stuff (the irony is that this is exactly what I’m doing at the moment, but it’s fine because I know I’m doing it, and I’m blogging, not writing shitty put-downs to 11 year olds doing cover acts on youtube). For some reason though it seems to make white suburban kids think they can get away with pretending to be black. Just because we can’t see you, doesn’t mean it’s not really fucking obvious ‘ImastraightupG’ or ‘Tupac4lyfe.’ I just don’t really understand why people get so fuming; I can imagine little spotty wiggas blowing their shit when they see another spotty little wigga (disguised and Avon from The Wire obviously) has dared to challenge their last comment. They should set up webcams, it would just be like millions of that angry ginger kid.

Here are some quotes from celebrities that should make you feel not-lonely if you are in fact lonely.

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