Animals can be cool, I’m not going to deny that, but whenever I look at a cat I can’t help but think ‘dammit….I wish you could spit fire’. Maybe I’m just fussy, but there a few adjustments I would have made.  So I was pretty satisfied to find about Cryptozoology. For those unaware Cryptozoology is the study of animals deemed to be legendary (called cryptids), superstars of the scene include the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot. It’s the product of an abundance of time and pseudo-science based on blurry photos and ‘Blud I swear down I saw a goblin’ anecdotes, and that makes me sound the cynic and admittedly when we bring those crazy radical ideas of evidence and rational I pretend I don’t know them, but It’ll only take one captive live specimen to turn our worlds and possibly get them a programme on Bravo. Though whether it’s real or not is irrelevant to a certain extent as it still makes for an interesting read.

THE JERSEY DEVIL

Whoever told you that Satan was a biblical metaphor for humanity’s inert desire for self-destruction was WRONG, because as this abomination shows, he is alive and well, and in his element hitting up the single mothers scene in South New Jersey. And boy did he hit a doozy with ‘Mother Leeds’, the supposed bearer of his demon seed, not only is she decrepit and creepy enough to forsake a first name, but she had 12 other kids as well. Which I have the utmost respect for as well. Raising another man’s kids, that’s heart. The little bambino has done well for itself too,despite being a charity shop chimera made by a ten year old with ADHD (‘I WANT A CAMEL WITH WINGS AND CHICKEN LEGS’), it’s got a hockey team and hasn’t been shot and sold to the zoo yet. However I don’t want to bring to much science into this, because its a camel with with wings, but which model of Satan, be it the sharply dressed man figure,the built like a brick shit house daemon or the satyr figure contributed any genes to that. Maybe I have been watching too many Ricky Lake repeats, but my suggestion is she’s been playing around. With a camel.

THE RAT-KING

Wikipedia says this is a product of rats becoming entwined by ‘blood, dirt, ice, or excrement’. I say kill this with swords and magnets, leave no survivors. It’s just too terrifying, it serves no purpose but to terrify me. It’s not even the case that I find rats that repulsive, it’s just the idea of a hive mind dragging it’s clump of spasming vermin towards me that would destroy my arsehole from the resultant violent bricking of self Give me the actual spawn of satan, just don’t make me go near this thing. In Germany, where it’s reported most frequently, it’s seen as a bad omen for things to come, things like maybe your rats meeting up and taking their gangbang mobile? Sort it out. Saying all this, I like think I am quite open to animal philanthropy I don’t bother vegans as why they are wearing leather shoes and I adopted a penguin when I was nine, but I am adopting Giuliani’s zero tolerance on this one. Call in the airstrike, code 612, dutty rats on a hype.

MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM

I was taught if your put someone in a box they are going to tick it. So as to what to why we are calling this the ‘ Mongolian Death Worm’, I couldn’t say. Maybe if we called it ‘invest time back in the community worm’ or ‘help the economy by getting a job’ worm things could be different, but as it is it’s it has instant death touch and shoots acid – It’s a mini boss from Zelda.  This is also the name of my three man grindcore band by the way, we have a myspace but no songs, because pete -thats our drummer- can’t do blastbeats yet (fucking pete).

LIZARD MAN

David Icke, one time son of Jesus, abandoned playing for Hetrfordshire United, to share with us his indepth knowledge of The Lizard Men. An alien race of junkies who came down to earth for it’s precious minerals, but found out that you could get a better high off human being’s negative energy. Presuming we would make a shitty job out of starting wars and killing each in the future, they created a master race by breeding with the Nordic people to spread as much conflict and negativity they could. This is like a conspiracy sundae, this everything he watched on the Discovery Channel cemented into one chunk of mind-numbingly incomprehensible mass of desert time bollocks. Bit of Aryanism, bit of Ancient Astronaut, and some wiley reptilians humping the hell out of our women at the end. Serve it up, noone’s going to eat it, but oh well you had fun making it, so keep serving and your done. Notable cross breeds include the Queen Mother and all the Presidents Of America all who all display lizard like qualities. Although looking past the lunacy I can’t help but hold some respect for him, If I could have a tenth of conviction in anything, let alone something as devoid of possibility as this, then maybe I could get on TV.

The Moth Man

When cats get on their hind-legs and walk about you all go crazy for it, ‘awww it think it’s people!’ you fawn as you upload the video to youtube, and then knock one out over how cute it is. Don’t lie I have seen ‘You’ve Been Framed’. When a moth does it, you label it a monster. That’s racism. MLK walked for that. It’s unwarranted, no livestock has been killed in perpetuating this myth nor any attempts to cross breed with our women. On the other hand, I do see how a 6ft humonoid moth could be frightening (it’s the eyes) but I think I should reassure everyone that before writing this article, I thoroughly researched (google) the word biology, and although the resulting pages were irrelevant, they gave me sufficient knowledge to know this or any others could not exist….or could they!? Nah they can’t.

This entry was tagged as animals, bigfoot, cryptozoology, legendary, lizard man, loch ness monster, mongolian death worm, the jersey devil, the moth man, the ratking, yeti.