Everyone turns up to uni, hopes high of the debaucherous, hedonistic antics they will undoubtedly engage in during freshers week (omg it will be just like Glastonbury). In truth it will be more like spending a week in the Helmand province, with social faux-pas, intolerable flatmates and, loads of S.T.I.s being exchanged.

Get some poon.

It’s no myth that all freshers are total sluts who are dying to experience some mind blowing sex with an experienced second year. In fact they’d probably really appreciate it if you were to teach them how to give a half decent BJ. Freshers are an easy lay,  not to mention they are in that prime of their life, after the 1st year they have that whole freshman 15 thing going on which is not so hot. You have got to take the blah and fuck a fresher before all the good ones get Chlamydia, herpes or an unwanted child.  Double points if she’s still a virgin.

Welcome meetings are for the weak.

Oh what a naive and trusting fool I was. The number of nights I turned down that final rohypnol laced drink because “sorry, I have a library skills session at nine tomorrow”. Take heed of this advice; never abandon a night out for a freshers welcome meeting. If you’re so inconceivably stupid as to not have conquered the dewy decimal system by now, you should probably fuck off back to Norfolk (or whichever other inbred county you come from).

Hang out with your flat mates at least once.

It seems like everyone starts uni certain that their flatmates are gonna be these cool gang who you’ll inevitably spend the whole year larking about, playing jolly practical jokes on each other with and being one big happy surrogate family. WRONGO! Your flatmates will be an almost unimaginable combination of fuck ups who will continually steal your food, scatter their pubes in the communal shower and wake you up at 5 in the morning to ask you to clean up the pool of vomit they have just deposited on their bedroom floor. All is not lost though, you will not be the only person discontent to settle for three years of misery and you will eventually find some like minded individuals who don’t like to spend their evenings swearing at their computer screen or furiously masturbating over a copy of the National Geographic. However, I strongly recommend you go out with your flatmates at least once*, unless you want to be completely ostracized and lumbered with all the damage bills at the end of the year.

*Best done completely inebriated for better results.

Beware the Gap Yah.

It seems that freshers week consists almost entirely of awkward silences punctuated only by the refrain “so ummm did you take a gap yah?” The response is usually a predictable “yeah, I really found myself spiritually in Asia”. For those who didn’t take a gap year, you may feel like you are missing out on the bigger picture. However, what they aren’t telling you is that their ‘spiritual awakening’ occurred squatting over a hole in the ground on a moving train because their useless son-of-a bitch western stomach can’t even handle a mild vegetarian Pasanda.

End up in A and E.

There’s always one moron who thinks it’s a good idea to down a bottle of tesco value vodka. Initially this is something you may actively encourage, but when three hours later you’re still waiting in A and E, drenched in congealing regurgitated blood while your “friend” undergoes a  Gastric lavage procedure, you will bitterly wish you could be out enjoying the thrills of your first (and last if you have any sense) carnage pub crawl.

Regret everything

So you’re away from home for the first time, no more mummy to make sure you remember to take a jumper, flat shoes or your inhaler.  You are itching to act upon your new found freedom; there are so many new and exotic experiences to try. Here are a few suggestions:

Take a midnight dip in the pond: The guy in the flat next door to me did this, to score some popularity points for being so kooky and outgoing. However, it kind of backfired as he spent the next few weeks in quarantine with Weil’s disease – Shit lad.

Spit roasts/threesomes: I guess university is as good a time as any to expand your horizons, be they sexual or otherwise. But if you don’t want to be known as “finger cuffs” for the rest of your years in education, it’s better to steer clear.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that freshers week will be full of regrets, misdemeanours and “oh shit” moments worthy of Gordon Brown himself. But never fear, you’ll probably avoid all the losers you met in freshers week at all costs, and come October you will be safely settled in your new gang of totally rad new friends, none of whom remember how much of a dick you were when you first arrived. Remember to have a shot of Sambuca on me.

This entry was tagged as a & e, daisy devine, freshers week, gap yah, GET SOME POON, regret everything, sti, uni, university.