Insincerely Yours: Diary Diarrhea Pt. 2

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Hi, I’m Casey Fischer, and not the cool Casey Fischer you’ve all grown to know and love/hate/lust after– but the really lame 15 year old Casey Fischer who had like, zero self-confidence and no idea how to write about ordinary, everyday life in a mildly entertaining/less pathetic way. I’ve decided to let you take a peek into my super annoying high school brain for your own personal entertainment. However, I have decided to exclude the entries where I excessively used the word “yum” to describe attractive males. It’s really no wonder I was desperate and single.

Join me on this journey of embarrassment and self-loathing. Below each entry’s photo, I will include a short translation explaining both what the pathetic Casey wrote in her barely legible hand writing, and also what the current (way cooler) Casey Fischer would have written, instead.

Pt. 1

Pathetic Casey: “So, today I screamed “Hey, Sexy!” at Katie, and Alec happened to be walking by, and he said, “Oh, thank you.” I wanted to shoot myself. I was actually talking to Katie– but, whatever.”

Cool Casey: ”So, today I screamed “Hey, Sexy!”, and this buff dude happened to be walking by, and he said “Oh, thank you.” I wasn’t actually talking to him, but, whatevs.”

***

PC: ”Did you know that turtles get horny? My mom’s turtle has repeatedly tried to screw his reflection in the mirror of his cage. You learn something every day don’t you?”

CC: (Actually, that was a pretty cool entry. I had my moments, obviously.)

PC: “So, there I was. 4:00 on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon sitting in the car with my mother (ooh, shocker) on our way home. I look to the left, and what do I see? A shiny black BMW convertible with the top down, a gorgeous blond girl sitting in the passenger seat, and her sexy boyfriend driving.

“I hate my life,” I accidentally said out loud.

My mom looked startled. “Why would you say something like that?”

I told her.

“You’re only 15! How do you know that’s not going to be you?”

How do I know? HOW DO I KNOW?! Because there are some things you just know, in life. And I know for a fact that I’m not destined to be a gorgeous blond girl in a shiny BMW with my sexy boyfriend at my side. Not gonna happen.”

CC: “So, there I was. 4:00 on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon, sitting in the car with, who else, my mother. I looked to the left and saw a shiny black BMW convertible with the top down, and a slutty blond girl sitting in the passenger seat, beside her man-meat of a boyfriend.

“I hate my life.” I accidentally said out loud.

My mother looked alarmed. “Why would you say something like that?”

So I explained to her what a loser I am and how I’m not slutty enough to have blond hair or a rich boyfriend. She wasn’t amused.”

PC: “So, I am way PO’d because I knocked a bracket off of my braces, and now it’s going to take even longer to get the damned things off. Jeez.”

CC: “Now I’ll never be able to give a blow job.”

***

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