Insincerely Yours: Diary Diarrhea Pt. 1

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Hi, I’m Casey Fischer, and not the cool Casey Fischer you’ve all grown to know and love/hate/lust after– but the really lame 15 year old Casey Fischer who had like, zero self-confidence and no idea how to write about ordinary, everyday life in a mildly entertaining/less pathetic way. I’ve decided to let you take a peek into my super annoying high school brain for your own personal entertainment. However, I have decided to exclude the entries where I excessively used the word “yum” to describe attractive males. It’s really no wonder I was desperate and single.

Join me on this journey of embarrassment and self-loathing. Below each entry’s photo, I will include a short translation explaining both what the pathetic Casey wrote in her barely legible hand writing, and also what the current (way cooler) Casey Fischer would have written, instead.

Pathetic Casey (PC): “Not that Denise’s stories aren’t entertaining, but seriously, it’s really not that interesting. To be quite honest, I find sex absolutely repulsive. They don’t believe that I think sex is icky. I do. And I told them that I rarely think about actual sex, and they didn’t believe me. And I told them that I had some other things to take care of before I reached that level. Baby steps, guys. Seriously.”

Cool Casey (CC): “Shut up and stop bragging, you stupid bitch. No one cares how many times you made your boyfriend cum yesterday. Like– your sex stories were really funny and made you seem cool in the beginning, but now they’re super boring and I feel bad that your boyfriend only has a 4 inch dick. Also, I can’t bother thinking about sex yet because I don’t even like anyone, and so why would I let them stick their dick in me?”

[Sidenote: The top margin of this page read in bright orange bubble letters, "Buff is Better", just to give you a clearer image of how lame I was/am.]

PC: ”And she said, what if his name is like, Richard or something?”

And I’m like, “ew! Richard Ruteger? …I’m gonna name our kid that when I marry him.”

And it took her like an hour to get it– it was so funny.

Oh, and there’s this other girl Hayley, who is drop dead gorgeous, and she goes up behind him and hugs him really tight. My entire class is standing there in awe, and he doesn’t even barely acknowledge her.

After class I went up to her and I’m like, “I give you props, that was crazy.”

And she goes, “Oh. Yeah. I do that like, every day at sixth period.”

I’m all, “Oh…okay then…” Wow. Lucky.

Gorgeous girls get away with murder. I hate my life.

CC: ”And she said, “Omg ew, what if his name is like, Richard or something?”

And I was like, “I’m probably naming our kid that when we get married.” But it was a total waste of a pun because my friends are retarded and didn’t even catch the joke.

Oh, and there’s this other girl Hayley who’s like, super slutty, and she went up behind him, and practically dry humped him through her PE clothes. He didn’t even turn around– he just kind of gave her one of those cocky head nod acknowledgments. I’m sure they’re fucking during his planning period.

Slutty girls get away with murder.”

***

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