Incest: The best way to boost your media career.

Categorised as GENERAL.

Incest is a practice so old that it probably outdates prostitution and sodomy, but they’re both ok now right? What is it about the taboo of having sex with a family member that disgusts so many people? Well actually a number of things – stuff like the fact that you’ve both come from the same womb, cases when it’s clear that the dad is taking advantage of the daughter but the daughter is convinced that she loves him sexually rather than platonically and incidents like the two¬†lovebirds above.

The GILF is the guy’s grandma and he really did want to fuck her, and probably did, but that didn’t work out so great on the pro-creation front – so they’re getting a surrogate mother to birth his child who they will raise together. This guy obviously has serious mummy issues though seeing as he tracked down his long lost grandma after the death of his mother. Fair enough, you wanted some maternal influence in your life, but did it really have to result in the birth of a child whose mother will be dead by the time he’s 10 and technically be his father’s uncle?

Aside from all that, it’s given this shy, retiring New Zealand couple the media assisted boost that they needed to let the world know of their love, and it made me realise that instead of going for the drugs angle like Pete and Amy, or the hopeless loser slowly hemorrhaging their career away¬†angle, like Lindsay or Britney, why don’t celebrities who’s careers are dwindling throw a curveball in there and have sex in public with a family member? Here are some people who cottoned on ages ago.

Jerry Lee Lewis

Jerry Lee Lewis wasn’t happy with the way things were going, and understandably really, I mean it must have been a living nightmare to be one of the biggest selling rock n’ roll stars in the world, having to put up with the adulation of countless beautiful women, hanging out with Chuck Berry & Johnny Cash and getting all the free alcohol and speed that he wanted, so of course the only logical way to improve his state of affairs was to marry his 13 year old cousin. This way it meant that instead of being paid all that pointless money to play in huge venues to crowds of adoring fans, he could play for scraps in a bar where men would rather have sex with animals than hear about Jerry’s great balls of fire.

Woody Allen

This one’s so infamous that the term ‘doing a woody allen’ made it in to the urban dictionary as ‘the creepy act of getting in to a relationship with a step or distant relative.’ Technically it isn’t really incest as they’re not related by blood but it’s close enough – Soon Yi was the adopted daughter of Allen’s ex Mia Farrow, and he was a father figure to her since she was a preteen. As brilliant as some of Allen’s films are, they’re mostly relegated to the sidelines of media consumption upon release, so what could be a better way of getting the box-office ratings up than marrying his ex-lover’s daughter? Well, that was what he wanted everyone to think -I reckon he did it just to detract from the fact that he looks a bit like Louis Walsh with glasses.

The Royal Family

The royal family call it inbreeding rather than incest because they think that no-one will notice – but everyone has. Apparently it was common practice for members of the royal family to engage in family fucking, I guess because they wanted to keep all the royal genes in the family with the logic that after a couple of hundred years the amalgamation of stockpiled genes would result in the strongest leader the world has ever has seen. I don’t think it worked. Look at them though, their media presence is unrivaled, everyone knows the royal family; I went to Arizona when I was little and met one of those Americans who seems to think there is nothing beyond each coast of the U.S other than places where cameras go and film poor people, and even he knew who the queen was.

Angelina Jolie

This was back before Brangelina and the hordes of impoverished children that Ange had realised she could adopt for more inches in the columns. Obviously it’s weird that she was tonguing her brother but I found it weirder that her brother looks like Ange would if she shaved her head and tried dragging up, which tbh it seems like she does now. She really isn’t FHMs hottest woman anymore. Jolie is the queen of media attention whoring, but again – when the vials of blood around your neck, tattoos of weird symbols, adopted African and Asian babies and home-wrecking don’t work – just revert to incest, it’s a sure-fire winner.

Rednecks

Red-necks have made incest their own; it’s basically a given that at some point in their lives they will sleep with a family member. They should really patent it and start making some money. I remember when Jerry Springer was on as much as Jeremy Kyle, and instead of boring stuff like ‘My son’s cannabis habit is destroying all the food in our house,’ there were genuinely shocking stories like ‘I found out my mother was my sister and now we’re having twins together,’ which of course doesn’t really need the platform of television, but just goes to show that if you want the general public to take some notice you have to start breeding with your siblings.

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  • Emily

    It is Woody Allen’s people who obsess with calling southerners incestuous. What northerners fail to realize is they are referring to you to. It is like when you make fun of your friends, then realize you are talking to one, so you say of but not you. They make fun of southerners and English for being inbred because that is the closest non northerners. But they are basing their opinion on what they see “You”. Of coarse the most obvious aspect is why the obsession with pointing out the speck in your brothers eye? That would be because Woody Allen belongs to the most inbred people known to man. This is not an opinion just read up on the diseases they have to be worried about when they have a child. A sure sign of inbreeding. It is funny southerners don’t have to be tested anymore than anyone else in the whole would what does that tell you.

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