Jobs suck, we all know that. Unfortunately however they’re kind of necessary to survive, what with people trading in money these days rather than livestock and children. Oh how I yearn to be a peasant in the middle ages. While most jobs suck, some are relatively better than others and at some point you’re going to find yourself thinking exactly that. By ‘some point,’ I mean once you’ve been working in the same shitty office for three years with a bunch of people who make Alan Titchmarsh look like Andrew WK (a real party-starter) and you’re ready to burn your house down, sacrifice goats to T-Pain and slit your wrists with a trowel, when…you get an offer from a company who probably do pretty much exactly the same as your previous job, EXCEPT, their office overlooks a river and the receptionist you spoke to sounds way cuter than Shirley the manatee sitting four desks down from you.

At this point you’re going to need to say a hasta la vista baby to your boss and fellow colleagues, but oh wait – your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on your sweater already. It’s your nan’s spaghetti, but don’t let that old biddy distract you, get on with what you need to do; quit being a quitter and just quit already. Here are a few ways that you could go about it.

Tell your boss straight up

But then why would you do that when you can just skirt around the issue? Bosses are effectively head-teachers for adults, and if you ever told your head-teacher the truth then shame on you.

Fuck your boss’s partner

Tricky yes, unless you’re in a Hollywood film or any drama on HBO where your boss’s partner is a sexually neglected individual, destined to stay at home all day, until you come along and fuck their brains out. Not literally because that could end up in a criminal prosecution.

Pretend to be insane

You know – do shit like raid the sanitary bin and hang tampons off your collar instead of a tie. People will freak and you’ll get fired for being a weirdo, then you can sue because you’re actually not a weirdo, you were just pretending. See? SEE?

Sexually harass a colleague

Harness all that pent up sexual frustration you’ve been denying since you started work, and just let loose. I’m not advocating rape here but pinching a couple of arses or cupping a couple of packages (not that you’d get many complaints for that I’d imagine) will usually do the trick.

Fashion stolen office equipment in to a weapon.

Then threaten people with it. That way you’re doing the double – being fired for stealing office supplies (a classic) and being fired for being a liability to the company and yourself.

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Do not do it like this guy, he’s just lame.

This entry was tagged as boss, eminem, fuck you, HBO, headmaster, how to quit your job, insane, sexual harassment, weapon.