So last week I got chatting to this girl and we start talking about our jobs and she tells me she is a foley artist for porn films. Basically what this entails is making all the noises that one would expect from a professional pornographic production – HOT. This ranges from the delightful sound of a pair of balls slapping against an ass to the sound of the perfect faked orgasm. So anyway, I thought I’d give you a step-by-step guide to making your own amateur, professional porno.

Story line.

It wouldn’t be a porno without a completely laughable script, complete with porn actors as wooden as the leading man’s cock. Alternatively, if you’re lacking in imagination, you can go for the position 1, position 2, money shot, take on things.

Casting Call.

Before you go casting yourself as the lead in your porn film, you should try masturbating in front of a mirror, not merely as a thrilling narcissistic activity, but because (if you’re anything like some of my ex-boyfriends) your facial expressions during the throws of passion might be kind of a turnoff. Nobody likes to masturbate to a hairy man gurning like he’s popped too many of Ray’s bad pills.

Grooming.

Nobody likes a bum beard, so make sure that everyone undergoes a strict grooming regime and if anal play is involved, a little douching never goes a miss, lest you want to find a bit of sweetcorn lodged behind the foreskin.

The finishing touches

This is where my friend the foley artist comes in. To get the authentic sounds every good porn film needs you need to improvise a little:

Two pieces of raw chicken artfully slapped together (almost) perfectly captures the sound of balls slapping against your leading lady’s ass.

A rhythmic finger in the mayo always produces satisfying and totally sexy squelching that never fails to get me off.

Sucking on an ice lolly, well that’s obvious. Spice it up a bit by slapping it across your cheek a few times.

To fake the orgasm just remember what you did last weekend when you had one to many and fucked your boring friend Dave.

words Daisy Devine

This entry was tagged as balls, daisy devine, foley artist, foreskin, GENERAL., gurn, ice lolly, mayonnaise, more dirty tags, orgasm, Porn, porno, pussy, raw chicken, secret lives of students, squelch.