Gay boyfriends are better boyfriends.
After the age of 16, people were always relentless in their questioning of my love life. Long interrogations would ensue, with probing questions like “So, tell me. Are you seeing anyone?” and “You’re so pretty, why wouldn’t a girl like you be dating someone?” Obviously when the answers to these questions are “no,” and “because I find the human race repulsive,” people automatically begin to wonder why I am not laying flat on my back for some guy that I’m like, “totally in love” with, and so they decide to ask if it is a question of orientation. “Are you a lesbian?”
I’ve recently resorted to a new answer.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” People will ask.
“I’ve got fifteen gay ones,” I respond.
“Heterosexual” is written nowhere in my dating criteria. Mostly because heterosexuals are mythological creatures, like unicorns and people who don’t masturbate. These are among the several reasons why I have resorted to “dating” gay men, instead.
1. Gay wit is the best wit. “Girl,” cries my friend Matt (who we call Matilda, for obvious reasons), “There are so many fags on campus this semester. I can’t even walk outside without getting hair flipped in the face,” he says, as he tosses his imaginary weave to the side.
2. Gay men are more mature than other males in my generation. Hence my dating slogan, “almost gay, or almost 40”.
3. Gay men will tell you if you look like a hot tranny mess, and that you probably should reconsider the metallic leggings, and maybe locate the nearest girdle.
4. Gay men will fondle you better than any straight man ever could. Because “boobies are fun!” exclaims one of my friends.
5. Gay men will not judge you for the number of men you hook up with in a week. Because they beat your total number 5x, last night at the club.
6. Gay men will not scorn you for the homosexual porn stash you accidentally forgot to return to the underside of your mattress.
7. Gay men will never tell you to “wear less make-up” or that your outfit is “too-sparkly”. (Because there is no such thing as natural beauty or too much glitter. Obvs.)
8. Gay men will have a cigarette and a bottle of champagne (or three) with you when you get depressed because you gained 2.3kgs and you realized that your mother has a better sex life than you do.
9. Gay men will offer to have sex with you at your hottest, and then say, “No just kidding. Vaginas are icky. But do you have a turkey baster so we can make babies?”
10. Gay men will not disown you when they find the video of your fourth grade talent show Cher impersonation.
And so, for these reasons, I may never be able to fall in love with a “heterosexual“.
Because a “hetero” would claim to appreciate “natural beauty”, and would probably not find your gay porn stash amusing.
words Casey Fischer