App Talk: My Horse

Categorised as GENERAL.

My Horse. I never had a horse so boy was I glad to see this in the top 90 on the iPad free apps list. Let’s take a look inside.

Hey Dan the Stablehand. Not to sound ungrateful or anything, but you look like kind of a fucking dick in your mail-order TV Times catalogue plaid. But, OK, we’re here for the horse. Let’s see if we get along.

I tapped my fingers and this little guy came over straight away. Poor fella doesn’t even have a name yet. Not really into the haircut, bro, but digging the corpsepaint. I fed him a treat.

He’s either eating the treat or sniffing my crotch. He’s sniffing my crotch! Get the fuck away from there, Horse! Can I poke him in the face?

I can! BUT this is the generic poke reaction. I tried to poke my horse up the nose, in the eye, in the throat, in his stupid hair, everywhere, but the horse just leaps up like this every time. I grew tired of poking Horse in the face after a good ten minutes and started to feel bad. Sorry, Horse, let’s be friends really.

What name shall I pick for my new horse? I know the App name is a giveaway, but come on Dan, MY horse? I thought I was looking after YOUR horse, Dan, you sly bastard.

There are some things that just never stop being funny. Or was it that they were never funny?

Fartknocker likes me. OK Dan the Stablehand, show me around. Do your worst, you creep.

Before I knew where I was, Dan the Stablehand was pressuring me into taking a photo of My Horse. I felt like I’d infiltrated a disturbing Panorama special as I snapped this picture of Fartknocker’s butt.

I knew there was something about you, Dan the Stablehand. Now that Dan has my creepy polaroid he’s agreed to let me check out the stable. What disgusting secrets will I unearth?

God damn it, Dan, this isn’t the stable. How many more trials and tribulations will you put me through? I had to guide this GAP Kids poster child around on Fartknocker – My Horse – and decide by remote control when it was time to jump. How did the horse know? Well, I couldn’t get a screen grab in time, but poor old Fartknocker’s got some serious circuitry wired up to his balls, and all I have to do is press this button and he’ll jump the Eiffel Tower. Notice how my sadistic horse-pesterer is casually smoking a fag as he observes terrified Fartknocker trot around in circles.

Sure, Dan, the first one’s free. That’s how they get you…

Fartknocker did well in his training, it’s time for a treat. I mixed him up some bags of puke and turds into this blue bucket.

With Fartknocker nourished on a full stomach I thought it was time to step up his game. Far away from the small time leagues of the remote control horse ball electrocution amateur show out the back of Dan’s stable is… Whispering Meadow. Here, Fartknocker is competing with the real hotshots, watched by an audience of blind cardboard cut-outs. This was it, the big day – I needed to make sure I electrocuted Fartknocker’s balls at exactly the right moment or he’d be shamed forever, packed off to the knacker’s yard and pounded into glue, glue for Dan the Stablehand to huff, probably.

You did it Fartknocker! Perfect and excellent. The crowd of cardboard cut-outs were judging you the whole time, though. They think you’re a happy horse but you look like shit. How can they tell? Horse Braille?

I tried to enter Fartknocker into another competition straight away but Dan was scared I was overworking My Horse. He needed some more puke slop before he’d be fit enough to do another turn in front of the blind judging panel.

Premium mix! Fuck yes. This is the stuff horses dream of:  3 parts barley, 3 parts oats, 5 parts carrot pellets. You’ll eat like a king, today, Fartknocker. Wait, 60 golden doubloons? I can’t afford that.

Sorry, Fartknocker, it’s Alfalfa Mix or nothing.


Full up, Fartknocker relived today’s earlier glory, beating three horses all called Beauty to the top spot at Whispering Meadow.

I fucking knew this would happen. Dan gave me the first gem for free, now look – I have to get more gems before Fartknocker can complete basic training and enter another competition. OK, I’ll get some more gems.

What a rip. Get them hooked on the freebie and push up the price, no fair. Fartknocker wouldn’t be eating any more Horse Gems any time soon. I can’t afford that kind of scratch so I’ve been forced to leave Fartknocker to the care of Dan the Stablehand, who, I guess, is taking photos of his butt right now. So long, Fartknocker, it was a special time when you were My Horse, but Dan is running a fucking racket here.

I’ll probably never go back to My Horse, because mostly it is a cynical way to make money off small children who will buy Horse Gems gems for their fake animal on their stupid parent’s iPad. But don’t take my word for it, try it out for yourself:

My Horse is available for free on the iPhone and iPad.


Tamlin Magee

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