Anything That’s Not True Black Metal Can Fuck Off
I have this friend, we’ll call him ‘Vincent’. Vincent HATES anything that’s not true black metal. Especially Swedish black metal. I got wind he was going to purge his CD collection as it was the anniversary of Euronymous‘ death (key figure in the Norweigan Black Metal scene, guitarist in Mayhem and murdered by his bandmate Varg Vikernes aka Burzum). I thought this cleansing would be a good time for him to explain what constitutes improper Black Metal whilst he destroyed the offending articles.
“Here are some CDs I’ll be destroying in honour of Euronymous’s memory. He would have HATED all these bands. Smashed with a hammer.”
I actually like Discharge. They pretty much re-invented punk in 1982. However, Euronymous HATED punk. And in order to destroy a tree, you must destroy it’s roots. Discharge inspired many punk bands, plus was a big influence on the Swedish Death Metal scene in the early 90′s. Euronymous openly declared war on Swedish death metal, and sent death threats to stupid swedish death metal bands influenced by Discharge. So it’s only correct that Discharge gets destroyed.
Hammerfall emerged soon after Euronymous’ death. I doubt he would have liked them. My goal is to purge my collection of ALL records not true black metal, as a tribute to the Norwegian king of Black Metal. This also recieves the hammer. Not only because they are not real black metal, but also because they play happy power metal. They sing about wizards and white magic. We worship death and hate. Unacceptable. Smashed.
Apocalyptica are shitty violin/cello players who try to play “metal”. They cover Metallica and are from Finland. Which has a rich history of sucking at Black Metal (except Satanic Warmaster!) As a member of the “Black Circle” I feel it’s my duty to to use their CD as a fucking ash tray. I never listened to it, but I’m pretty sure it’s not black metal, therefore it can fuck off!
I actually used a Knife that belonged to Euronymous to destroy this Life Of Agony CD. Euronymous hated hardcore, and the previous singer of his band Mayhem, “Dead”, actually commited suicide because he hated hardcore people so much. Life Of Agony is the epitome of stupid hardcore. “Dead” did not want to live in a world full of trendy happy funcore kids!! I agree. The Knife used to hang on the wall of the old Helvete shop in Oslo, I got it through Evil connections. And I’m sure Euronymous would be proud I used it in order to totally decimate this shitty hardcore band’s CD. If you’re not Black Metal, you can fuck off. We declare war against Punk and Hardcore.
Me taking a piss on a Korn record. Korn invented Nu-Metal, and allowed shitty bands like Lamb Of God and other emo-core to exist. Sadly, our MASTER Euronymous was murdered in 1993 by Varg Vikernes and is therefore unable to combat this plague, but I, the last remaining member of the Norwegian Black Circle, have taken it upon myself to desecrate the “life is peachy” CD and hopefully spark a flame in youth to take action in the name of unholy black metal. This is WAR.
Here’s stuff I WONT be destroying. Euronymous’s actual bulletbelt. He wore it often and, like the knife, was obtained from an old Helvete (Euronymous’s record store) employee. I also have tons of rare Burzum stuff. It would make sense to destroy it, especially as mainman Varg Vikernes killed Euronymous. However, Burzum is way awesome and the shit is worth way too much money to smash. You’ll also notice I didn’t smash actual death metal records. That’s because I, luckily, don’t have any that shit in my collection.
P.S: I tried to burn some CDs but everything is fire proof these days.