Ok she's a fictional christian, but she's buff.

I don’t know where in the bible it says that hot girls who believe in god can’t get dirty every now & then like the rest of us, but for some reason the whole prude thing has taken off in a big way. I blame you Jonas brothers. Obviously the hardcore christian demographic is huge, and there’s bound to be a few hotties kicking around in there somewhere who aren’t available for norms like us, but only to Geoff from their bible-study class who waits six years, proposes, waits a bit longer, the finally gets to nail them. And that’s not fair to the rest of us who can’t be fucked with discussing a book every Sunday, so to help you get a fair share here’s a guide on how to bang a bible-basher.

Spout religious bullshit.

‘Jesus loves me, and he loves you too – in fact he loves us all, and he wants to love you through me.’ This will definitely work because it always seems to work in cults. For some reason girls who would normally wretch and hail Mary at the sight of your dick will quite literally lap it up (cum’s like holy water to these converted bitches) if they think you’ve been sent by the lord to make them wet in their chastity pants. It might take a little while to get going, but once the gears are moving and you’ve built up a solid rep amongst the believers, you’ll have puritanical pussy on tap.

Say ‘amen’ after everything you say.

This is just conditioning. In the same way that telling someone they’re amazing at singing over and over will eventually make them believe that they’re the next Mariah Carey and embarrass themselves horribly in front of Simon Cowell, saying amen after everything will make these girls think that whatever you say is to be agreed with (because amen men means I agree, right?) Throw in a couple of hallelujahs for good measure as well if you want them to swallow.

Tell them you’ll marry them.

Perhaps a little harsh, but all of these are based on lies so what difference does another one make? However much they tell themselves that they have to stay pure for the lord, I bet a load of these girls are bursting at the celibacy ring for a fuck, so if you’re really lucky, and find yourself in a situation where you can be Mr Impulsive (while still being all god fearing etc) and whisk off one of these girls, tell her you’ve never met anyone as beautiful and sacred as them and that you need to marry them as soon as possible, I reckon you’re gonna get a pre-wedding dick wetting. Normally the word sacred wouldn’t work in a chat up line but for some reason it seems like it would in this situation.

Tell them you’ve heard that the apocalypse is incoming.

As pure and virginal as these chicks might be, no-one wants to die a virgin, except for nuns (but even they secretly don’t, I’ve heard stories about convent schools that plague my mind). All these girls have been brought up to fear the big bearded man in the sky, and everyone knows that the world is a shit-hole at the moment so who’s to say that the apocalypse really isn’t coming? Grab them by the shoulders and scream a bit about how the devil wants all the virgins to himself in hell so the only smart thing to do is let you save them from Beelzebub, and Mary’s your mother, you’re banging a bible basher.

Here’s something to get you started – www.christiandatingforfree.com/

This entry was tagged as amen, bible, cult, god, how to fuck a christian, religion, Sex.