5 Cool things that are actually totally lame.

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Moustaches on young people. I really don’t get this trend. Maybe it’s because secretly I’m jealous that when I try to grow a moustache it looks like someone’s done a bad job of pritt-sticking fur to my face – but that’s not a secret any more. Woaaah, chill out though – I’m not saying all moustaches are lame; if you’re over 30, look like you used to play in a hardcore band (gnarls tattoos etc), wear turn-ups and can get away with saying stuff like ‘back in the day’ without sounding like a dweeb, you are completely entitled to cultivate some face fluff. It’s the people with those little hipster ones trying to look like Jason Schwartzman in Darjeeling Limited who are total lame-a-zoids. CHA-RIST.

Smoking. Alright, I know if any one asked you why you started smoking you would probably say something like ‘just to see what it was like’ or ‘because I was bored at school and it was something to do,’ but come on – we all know it’s because you thought it would make you look cool. And fair enough – I mean it is always the cool ones who smoke – I think it was Heath Ledger in ’10 things I hate about you,’ who gave me the smokers pre-boner, and it’s always been like that and probably always will be. For some reason Hollywood always makes the baddie a smoker, I guess it’s because they’re trying to say that if you smoke you’ll be an evil dick-head, but I for one would way rather be Samuel L Jackson in Jackie Brown than Samuel L Jackson in Star Wars. It does kill you eventually though so if you’re going to smoke anything just stick to weed – at least it actually does something.

Fixed Gear Bikes. Fixed gear bikes are awesome – you can spend thousands  of pounds on one, then spend more money buying matching messenger bags, gloves and those hats with the stupid little peaks. I think that they are the best way to spend money. I think that they are awesome and that anyone who sees me on mine will probably have to have their eyes surgically unstuck from their gaze after I’ve ridden by, because I’m traveling on something with more beauty than the inconceivable love child of Audrey Tautou and Zoe Saldana. THEY ARE JUST BIKES WITH NO GEARS!! Honestly, how pissed off must people who have been riding these for years be? Loads of chubby scenesters suddenly taking what they used every day to courier packages around the city and making them really trendy and therefore ridiculously expensive. Have you ever seen that episode of South Park with the bikers who ride around going “huh ruh ruh ruh huh ruh’ to attract everyone’s attention? That’s basically what fixed gear culture is, except they wear wind-beaters rather than leather jackets, and make sure to look you in the eye as they’re riding past – just to check that you’ve clocked them.

Being thin. Fuck you Grazia. Fuck you Heat. Fuck you Closer. Aside from your bizarre anorexia inflicting,schizophrenic ‘mean girls’ outbursts (OMGZ she is SO fat….jesus, would you look at how vomit inducingly thin she’s got?) you really have got it ALL wrong. Men (well men that aren’t perma-tanned, steroid weirdos) are not in to girls who look like they would snap. I know this is obvious and it really doesn’t need to be written down for probably the 2,376,890th time on the internet, but girls who are a bit more grown on the bone are way hotter. Not obese girls though, they’re gross….(teehee, get it?)

Skinny jeans. I have bald patches on the back of my legs from wearing skinny jeans for ages – just a warning to anyone who’s been doing the same. I might just have slow developing leg alopecia though. Other than that, apparently they’re really bad for your balls – so alongside all the smoking and resting your dick in microwaves that you’ve been doing – ain’t gonna be no swimmers left in your milk pouch. They’re fine on girls though – especially on fine girls.

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