Woo hoo, slogan t-shirts!
Everyone with eyes and a brain knows that slogan t-shirts are the best thing to have come out of the world of fashion in the last thirty years. Time after time, shirt after shirt, the designs are thought provoking, witty, satirical and raise political awareness for whatever cause the shirt presents. Slogan writers are the unsung heroes of design. High fashion guys get all the attention because they put all those poncey little flourishes and details in their clothes, but the true, relevant design talent clearly lies in the mind of the guy who first wrote ‘If found, please return to the pub.’ Nah, just kidding, the only statement you’re really making by wearing one of these shirts is “Hello world, I am a bona-fide dickhead.”
So, you’re a proper lad, right, and you want everyone to know about it. The only problem is that drinking yourself blind and beating the shit into a timid, defenceless teenager for wearing clothes that don’t look like yours just won’t do anymore. You need something that sets the lad precedent straight away, before you’ve even contemplated what sleazy moves on grotty girls you’re going to be pulling that night. Ideally, the shirt will project the sense that you are an arrogant, misogynistic alcoholic, but any one of the three will do.
In case you didn’t know, Katharine Hamnett is most likely the person to blame/ thank for the absolute bastardisation of t-shirts/ the person who made t-shirts cool again!! In the early 80s Katharine started printing politically charged slogans on to over-sized white t-shirts – one of which George Michael wore in Wham’s Wake Me Up Before You Go Go video – and soon everyone was wearing her personal opinions on their chests. I guess these shirts must have started that argument that celebrities always wear slogan t-shirts because it’s their best way of communicating through the otherwise biased paparazzi. Clearly that’s true because it’s not like the messages have all been said a million times before, been massively diluted and lost their real sense of purpose.
You know that guy who sat at the back of the class and made hilaaarious jokes about stuff like child porn and bestiality? Well, these are basically him translated into a t-shirt. Cool, right? If you’ve spent too long without people recognising the fact that you’re actually a pretty funny dude, then get your hands on one of these, because the laughs will start rolling in and at you.
Oh, I see, you’re still in to new rave and making yourself look like you mainlined a load of fluorescent paint? That’s cool, bro. Maybe you should try one of Henry Holland’s t-shirts out for size. They’re just the right amount of garish – what with the eye-offending neon colours – obnoxious – example slogan: FLICK YER BEAN FOR AGYNESS DEYN – and retarded, “Hip hip hooray we all love LA!” Call me clichéd, but 2006 called and they want their terrible, terrible sense of style back.
These are actually just about passable. Whereas all the other slogan t-shirts are essentially attention-grabbing ice-breakers, nerdy slogan tees are a genuine celebration of being a nerd. I’d imagine wearing one round high school would make you subject to a few comments and jibes, but you could just be all “Fuck you guys, I LOVE Battlestar Galactica and I don’t give a shit what you think.” Nerdy shirts in high school are the equivalent of a gay guy wearing leather chaps to a NASCAR race, which means they’re alright by us.
There are two types of retro slogan t-shirts. The first is the type where retro apparently now means literally anything from any point in time, ever. For example: “Hey guy, you like my 2010 South African World Cup vuvuzela t-shirt?” “Ah yeah, dude, that’s so retro!” The second type is the t-shirt that employs a slogan from a TV show in the 70s, or whatever, and has that intentionally washed out effect to make it look like it’s aged over time and is genuinely retro. Both are inexcusably shit pieces of clothing.
Out of every category of slogan t-shirts, these are the most guaranteed to get you that attention you’ve been craving. Offensive slogan t-shirts really are magical; most give off a slightly rapey vibe, some merely flirt with the boundaries of sexual harassment, some have racist connotations and others just make you seem like you have an unspecified, unprovoked problem with everyone you walk towards, i.e. ‘FUCK YOU, MAN. WE’RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE.’ All of the shirts, regardless of what they say, make you look like a bad person, and if this is the sort of shirt you’re buying, then I’m guessing that’s exactly the effect you’re going for.